Mark Jackson has been announced as the new head coach of the Golden State “Not the #1 pick” Warriors.
In other news, Jeff Van Gundy was recently spotted crying in the corner. Whether they were tears of joy or sadness I’ll never know. Much like I’ll never know whether they were secret lovers or loathed each other.
"I hate you"
Anything being printed as news today that is NOT the following news does NOT COUNT AS FUCKING NEWS.
And no I’m not going to talk about why I haven’t posted in so long because I’m a man and it’s my own damned business. Oh you went to jail? Probably for excessive gossiping. BUT ANYWAY..
Native Columbusman, Rap Artist, Pro Wrestler, Slim Jim Devourer and Meaty Man Diet advocate Randy the Macho Man Savage has just perished. His wikipedia page also says he was an actor, what the fuck are they talking about?
OH JESUS I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE. Also I should probably go buy some chains, badass!
First of all, you all know what this means right? The Rapture is true, and God has just taken his first angel. So to make sure I get in, I’d better spend some time talking about how awesome somebody is besides myself.
Apparently his heart attacked him while he was driving and forced him to attempt a flying clothesline over incoming traffic into a tree. Even though it wasn’t successful I can’t think of a better man to try it.
This is what it would have looked like if the dude on the right was his car, and the dude on the left was a large tree.
This man was a man in the truest sense of the word. I’ve looked up to him since I was a child and have tried to live my life how he might. This mostly involves doing what ever the fuck you like doing and not giving a single shit what anybody thinks about it.
NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS
Well right off the bat nearly everything this man did was notable. His first career was that of a minor league baseball outfielder, he played for several teams, the last of which were the Tampa Tampons, er, Tampa Tarpons.
He started wrestling with the WWF in 1985 and it was all uphill from there. His first shot a title was by facing Tito Santana to be known as Intercontinental Champion but in a supreme act of bullshittery he won the match, but was denied the title because he ONLY WON BY A COUNTOUT THE THING INVENTED FOR WINNING IN WRESTLING. Basically after that he did all kinds of badass wrestling stuff that you probably all know.
However, not even his wrestling career outshines the glory of his rap career.
His life will live on in his music.
I know most of you only get your news from Swayzes Ghost so I don’t want to spend too much time before I send this out on the interwaves, but Randy, if you’re out there, please know that you will be sorely missed. Also, in honor of you and all that you’ve done, I’ve decided to add another M to my diet. From now on it will be referred to as the Tuesday McGavin Meaty Macho Man Diet.
Wrestle in peace Randy, wrestle in peace.
One of the perks of being criminally underpaid is that sometimes your employers toss in a little something extra to try to keep you from going and getting a job somewhere else. In my case, it was free Reds tickets in section 508. I’m sure this’ll come back to haunt me when I ask for a raise next month. “Raise? Did you already forget about those sick Reds tickets we gave you?”
Our sick ass seats. Thanks, boss!
The game was set to start at 7:10 in Cincinnati. We decided we’d leave at 1 so we could get there and maybe do a little drinking or even get some looting done, depending on if we had enough time to incite a riot. Sadly, we didn’t. For those of you not lucky enough to make it to the game yourselves, first of all, maybe try to be a little cooler and I would have invited you, and second of all, read this and it’ll be just like you were there with me! In a blatant rip off tribute to Bill Simmons, I give you Scrap Irons running diary of the Reds Cubs game on 5/18. Except I like to call it a journal instead of a diary, because I’m a big, burly man.
8:30am: I wake up bright and early with plenty of time to go find a bowtie for the game. Y’see, Chris Welsh, award-winning(?) announcer for the Cincinnati Reds, wears a bowtie to each game on Tuesdays. Why? Well, I don’t know. Probably to compensate for his missing mustache. Regardless, I’m sure that he’ll really appreciate some other dude wearing one with him.
12:30: I wake up again, but for real this time. I shoot off a text saying I might be a little late and haul ass to the Goodwill. No sight of a bowtie.
1:00: Drive all the way across town to Cleveland Ave, no hint of a bowtie anywhere.
1:15: Check Marshall’s. While they had a large selection of some very tasteful shirt and tie combos at a very affordable price, they sadly have no bowties.
1:20: Check the thrift store next door. Not a single bowtie. I make a mental note to write a letter to E. Gordon Gee asking where he gets all those bowties and to tell him to leave some for the rest of us.
1:30: I go back to the first thrift store and buy some 4thof July lawn decorations and a cowboy shirt. Seven dollars well spent! Maybe!
1:45: I finally show up to our meeting place.
Not pictured: barf bag.
1:47: We stop by Speedway to stock up on some road beverages. I search high and low for their Four Loko cooler but for some reason they don’t have a single one. Not a Raspberry Lemonade. Not even a gross Watermelon. Nothing. So I have to do a little quick thinking and call an audible, I grab a Sparks Lemonade and a Sparks Iced Tea, because hey, I like Iced Tea and I LOVE alcohol, so this sounds like a match made in heaven.
2:00: We’re on the road and just about to hit the outskirts of town so I crack the Sparks Iced Tea.
2:01: I almost puke. It tastes like a warm can of Nestle Iced Tea with lemon, except it’s cold. Does that make sense? It’s like a really lemoney, warm, canned iced tea. Take that, and then let a shot of pure lemon juice sit out and turn rancid, if that’s possible, and mix it all together. You’ve got Sparks Iced Tea.
2:02: Crack Sparks Lemonade to try to make some sort of alcoholic Arnold Palmer.
2:03: Puke into my sunflower seed bag. Now not only do I not have a Four Loko, I’ve got two undrinkable Sparks, no sunflower seeds, and a bag of puke. This isn’t the start I was looking for.
3:30: I finish the Sparks.
3:45: The ride so far has been pretty much uneventful, save for a short bus that someone had converted into a mobile dog grooming van. That was pretty cool, I guess.
The shirt in question.
4:25: I decide to wear the cowboy shirt because it’s cool looking. I rip off one of the bows from the decorations and crudely tie it to my neck. I feel like Welsh would be proud.
4:30: We pull into a liquor store parking lot in Kentucky, just across the border of Ohio to go buy some more Sparks Iced Tea (just kidding) when we see a sign on the door. “No alcohol until 6pm. Election Day”. They really expect people to go vote sober? How the hell do they get any turnout? Kentucky really is backwards. This really, really isn’t starting out how I wanted it to.
4:45: We start walking across the bridge to Cincinnati and it starts raining. God. Damnit.
5:00: We get to the gate, which doesn’t open until 5:30.
5:10: The guard checks my bag, which is full of sour patch kids and gummy worms. Yes, I’m literally 6 years old. For some reason the Reds let you bring anything you want into the game, as long as it isn’t alcoholic or opened. Next time I’m thinking I’m gonna pack a full picnic basket and really make a day of it.
5:15: Really wish I had brought a flask with me.
5:20: Contemplate finding a liquor store in downtown Cincinnati.
5:25: Already lost.
5:35: Somehow make it back to the gate which is now open, immediately go spend $7.50 on a 12 oz beer.
5:40: We grab a spot dead center for Reds Live which starts in 20 minutes. I tear into the Sour Patch kids.
5:41: Think I broke a tooth. I didn’t know it was possible for Sour Patch Kids to actually go sour, but this batch sure has. Ugh, these things are the worst.
5:45: Finish the Sour Patch Kids.
5:50: Just now realize that my shirt is blue and white aka Cubs colors. Weigh the pros and cons of going shirtless.
Gotta admit, that's a pretty bitchin' shirt.
5:51: Decide I’d probably get pneumonia if I popped my shirt off, so I claim it’s a tribute to Jonny Gomes. Anyone who knows me knows that’s ridiculous because I just think he’s the worst.
6:30: Reds Live actually starts. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s a solid half hour later than we thought.
6:33: Camera man asks us “Whats with the bowties?” we answer “It’s Bowtie Tuesday!”, he chuckles and says he wants us to move over to the side and get in the front.
6:34: He moves people out of the way for us and tells Jim Day and Jeff Picoro that we’re dressed up for Bowtie Tuesday. Pic informs us that Bowtie Tuesday is for away games only and Welsh isn’t even in the park. Go fuck yourself, Pic.
6:35: Camera man tells us to get ready.
6:36: We’re on TV.
6:36.5: We’re off TV.
6:40: Pic yells over to us to ask if we voted today. Politics are a gentlemens game, Pic, and you sir are no gentlemen, so I politely decline to answer.
6:45: Someone tells me that he over heard Pic saying my shirt “Is the worst he’s ever seen” during a commercial break. And this is coming from a guy who see’s a lot of shirts.
"That's one ugly shirt over there, isn't it Hal?" "Hahaha, it certainly is, Pic."
6:46: Go fuck yourself, Pic.
6:50: I yell to Pic that my shirts in honor of Jonny, not the Cubs but he doesn’t hear.
6:51: I yell louder.
6:52: We’re politely asked to go to our seats.
6:54: We’re not so politely asked to go to our seats.
7:00: We go to our seats.
7:01: We realize our seats are horse shit, and that since it’s raining there are plenty to choose from.
7:15: We distract some poor usher and slide into some prime seats in right field, 5 rows back.
Stickin' it to the man.
7:20: Pena hammers a ball a section to our left. He hit’s it so far that none of us stand up to see if there’s even a chance of it being caught, there isn’t.
7:35: It starts raining really hard and we expect a rain delay after this half inning, people start clearing out.
7:50: No delay and it is absolutely pouring but we stay in our seats because we’re real fans damnit. Also, it’s too cold to move and we’ll probably lose our seats if we get up.
8:00: Back to just a light mist.
8:25: In typical Chicago Cubs fashion, the Reds score 3 runs off of an error.
8:40: An usher shows some people to their seats which are right next to ours. We all nervously stare at the ground and bite our finger nails until the usher leaves. He didn’t ask for our tickets, but he knew. He knew.
9:00: Volquez leaves the game in the 7th after pitching pretty much lights out after a poor first inning. In other news, the Earth is round, water is wet, grass is green.
9:10: I ask to borrow someones binoculars to see if Chapman accidentally put on a Jose Arredando jersey, but it turns out it actually was Arredando doing his best Chapman impression by walking anyone and everyone who came up to the plate.
9:35: Ryan Hannigan lays down a bunt to move some base runners, Kerry Wood tries to throw to third and somehow winds up banking it off the left field wall and Hannigan ends up on 3rd. 2 runs score this time. Thanks, Cubs.
9:36: Scott Rolen cracks a double that takes Marlon Byrd to the wall right in front of us. I make a hilarious face and a lewd gesture while we’re on TV for another split second.
9:45: After yelling at the top of my lungs all game for Chris Heisey, he finally makes his appearance and hits a sac fly. Just before this, the scoreboard lets us know that Heisey is the leading the league in average, slugging, extra base hits, and runs batted in by a pinch hitter. Just a quick reminder that he sits on the bench in order to let Jonny Gomes play, who is hitting under 200 and is one of the worst outfielders in the game. Dusty Baker, ladies and gentlemen!
9:50: Joseph Daniel Votto knocks in Janish with a double. Ho hum.
10:05: Dusty decides to bring in Nick Masset to close the game because he can sense that I’m in the park and wants to do everything possible to piss me off. I also find out that Masset has his own minute long video set up to play when he comes in for a close. It’s supposed to make him look like a bad ass, but really it just shows him getting a couple ground balls, followed by him looking tough at the camera, but really he just looks like a chotch bag.
10:15: Despite Dusty Bakers best efforts, the Reds win!
10:16: We get the hell outta dodge.
10:30: We get in the car and listen to what Marty Brennaman has to say, but we’re too late, we’re treated to Mark Amazon who repeatedly calls out Tony La Russa for not showing up to the past couple games because he has shingles. Now, I hate TLR as much as the next guy, but calling the dude a bitch for not coaching with shingles is a little too much even for me, but shine on you crazy diamond.
12:30: Aside from a trip to a freezing cold 24 Hour Hardee’s, nothing eventful has happened on the way back until we see a cop while doing 85. We managed to slow down to about 75 but we’re probably 5 feet away from the dude. I say “good game” to the cop because I know we’ve been got and I put on my “respectible human being” face.
12:32: No sign of the cop anywhere. Hey, alright!
"zzzzzzzzzzz"
So that’s about it. I puked at 2, The Reds won, and I had a pretty okay burger at Hardee’s. Talk about living the dream. If this sounds like something you’d like to take part in, I’ll gladly take any free tickets anyone wants to hand out.
I apologize for my lack of posting recently.I hope this explains why, and that you’ll forgive my absence.
The truth is, I’m a bit of a drifter. I often move from town to town, being carried wherever the winds of my job take me. See, outside of running this incredibly lucrative and successful blog, I also clean up bars. I get brought in by bar owners looking to protect their investment. Once they lose control of their clientele, I come in an get that shit back in order.
This last assignment was my toughest one yet. People here say I may have bitten off more than I can chew. The truth is, I don’t go to the buffet unless I know I can eat.
Here’s what happened-
April 1st, 2011 – Columbus, Ohio
I received a call from a man in need of my services. He recently purchased a bar in a small town. A bar known for its no hold-barred attitude. Where the motto of “snitches are a dying breed” can be heard between every shit of rumplemintz.
He was worried the place would burn to the ground before he ever saw a return on his investment, and to be honest, I didn’t blame him. I had heard stories of this place. The biker blogs were all abuzz about it. Methheads and hookers flocked to it like the salmon of capistrano.
I had worked some rough places in my day. This one was something else though. But I’m not a huge pussy, so obviously I strapped up, grabbed my collection of tank tops, a pack of cigarettes and headed down to Miamisburg, Ohio: Home of the “Silver Bar”.
April 3rd, 2011 – Miamisburg, Ohio
The place was worse than I thought. I arrived at about dusk and already “Silver Bar” had bar stools being thrown through windows. I walked in with nothing but my cigarettes in hand and an uncanny ability to cool any situation. My first night I always use to observe; I sat back with hot cup of shitty coffee and took it all in.
I saw drug deals, prostitution, minorities, and everything in between. Even the bartender was skimming off the top with each drink he made. There were things in here that would make even the most seasoned of bouncers cringe.
I stayed around until close; it was time to introduce myself to group. Let them know there is a new boss and it was going to my way or get the hell out of the bar-way. First off, we’re running a business here- not a damned charity. I fired the bartender I saw sneaking some profits into his pocket.
He rambled on about how I would regret it. The kid said he was connected – that I didn’t know who the hell I was messing with. Maybe he was right. Maybe I didn’t give a damn.
April 4th, 2011 – Miamisburg, Ohio
After clearing house the night before, the atmosphere in the bar had taken a new tone. I surrounded myself with the people I would trust, if I trusted people. The staff bought in- now it was time to let the crowd know…Dalton …Dirt Linwood was in town.
I instilled a new way of thinking into my staff. It was no longer a grab and smash bouncing operation. We were there to keep it cool. Within the first 10 minutes, people were already pushing the limits. My head bouncer KB, a fiery redhead townie, spotted some people dealing in the corner. I sent him over to cool the situation- they didn’t take to kindly, it was time for me to step in.
A few broken broken beer bottles, pool cues, and jaws later, the drug peddlers were being tossed out on their ass to the sound of applause from the other patrons. My message was loud and clear- “Silver Bar” was a clean operation now. We didn’t have time or space for shady shit like that…
Continue reading next week with Part 2 of “Locked up: The Dirt Linwood Story”
Oh boy, I’ve really got myself behind the 8-ball here. I have really done it this time. As you probably know, I was originally hired on here at swayzesghost.com as their Senior NBA analyst. Basically I was supposed to be in charge of keeping you guys abreast of all the latest news and story lines of the National Basketball Association season. Then LeBron left Cleveland and I said that I’d rather just become the tennis guy because there’s no way I’m gonna watch that collective bag of shit that is the Cleveland Cavaliers. Thankfully they said “No, no one wants that. Tennis is a horrible sport for horrible people and no one wants to hear a borderline alcoholic ramble on about it every Tuesday afternoon. Just make sure you cover the playoffs, that’s all we ask”. This was early November. Then today rolls around. Turns out I completely forgot basketball existed. Okay, no need to panic I thought, I’ll just turn on Sportscenter real quick and find out the sitch. Wrong. Batteries in the remote are dead. TVs gonna be stuck on AMC all day because I’ll be damned if I turn the TV god knows how many channels manually. And before you ask why I didn’t just go to espn.com, it’s because I am boycotting that particular website until they bring back the always funny Girls & Sports comic strip. Give the people what they want!
Naturally, I did what any good journalist would do and I just made something up. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not just some crazy person guessing at the results of basketball games here, I’m a student of the game. I’ve probably watched more games of basketball than you’ve taken showers, which by the way is not nearly enough; i.e. you stink. I have managed to find the current series records through some pretty deep digging through the newspaper, which I might add was exhausting. But other than that I have no idea. I repeat that, I have no idea! So any and all facts stated hereafter that turn out to be true can be attributed to my vast basketball knowledge.
I’m just going to start right in with the series that surprised me the most, The Grizzlies leading the Spurs 3 games to 1. I don’t know why I said I was surprised a sentence ago because it doesn’t surprise me in the least. The average age of a San Antonio Spurs player is 57 years old(basketball-reference.com). How can you expect them to hustle up and down the court with their walkers and canes and hover-rounds (which I still argue should be illegal)? I mean granted, Popovich pulled a crafty, veteran move by putting tennis balls on the bottom of their walkers to increase speed, but in the end it just isn’t enough to keep up with Memphis and Pau Gasol, who I’m assuming they got back because there is absolutely no way they could have scored any points without him. Obviously David Stern finally came to his senses about that trade to the Lakers and vetoed it. And just in the nick of time. Really? It took you this long to realize something was fishy with that trade, Dave? Memphis is really gonna trade their best player since Shareef Abdur-Rahim for a couple draft picks and Kwame Brown? Way to finally stand up and admit your mistakes, commish.
Prediction: Memphis wins 4 games to 2. The Grizzlies rest Pau in game 5 which leaves the Grizzlies under the helm of OJ Mayo. Refusing to pass the ball even once, the Spurs decide to simply quadruple team him. He puts up contested three after contested three, refusing to cut to the basket for fear of being touched or possibly even knocked down (oh no!). He manages to make a few of these Hail Mary threes, but the Spurs win with a last second 19 foot bank shot by Tim Duncan off of a fundamental two-handed bounce pass from Manu Ginobli. Final score: 10-9. Pau returns in game 6 and decimates the Spurs. Tim Duncan’s career is ended when a teammate throws and errant towel towards the bench during a time out and it strikes his knee, tearing every tendon.
People I can name on these two teams: 7.
Next up is another somewhat surprising series, the Hawks are somehow leading the Magic 3 games to 1. I guess that the Magic somehow got Vince Carter back for this series? I mean, that’s the only possible way they could be playing so bad, right? Vince Carter is back and he’s shooting 10 to 15 3’s a game. While Dwight Howard stands next on the sideline doing his hilarious impression of Stan Van Gundy. While hilarious, this of course leaves a gaping hole in their defense which allows Joe Johnson to put up 50 or 60 points a night, which is more than enough to beat the Magics anemic 40 points a game.
Prediction: The Hawks win 4 games to 1. I just don’t see the Magic being able to score enough. Who do they even have? Is Rashard Lewis still in the league? Even if he is, he’s off roids so he’s a non-factor. Hedo is good about 8 and Dwight’s good for nothing but a few laughs. Game. Over.
People I can name on these two teams: 4. Those ones I named right there.
I’m gonna come clean about this next one. I heard about Brandon Roy’s performance in that game where he came back and made a bunch of shots to win the game. But that’s all I know, I swear! I’m imagining it went something like this. The Mavs are up like 50 going into the 4th quarter, heads held high, laughing, Dirk Nowitzki is probably high fiving his team mates at inappropriate times and just generally looking awkward. So it comes back from the commercial break, all ready to start the 4th quarter and what’s this? The arena lights go out and the sound of glass being shattered plays over the P.A. System. That’s right, Brandon Roy is back baby. And he uses the same theme music as Stone Cold Steve Austin. Then he stone cold stuns everyone and makes a bunch of shots and they win. Dirk walks off the court with the same exact expression on his face that he had when they were up by 50 because that’s his one look. Mark Cuban probably yelled at a ref one time.
*Artists rendering
Prediction: Mavs win 4-2. This seems like a no brainer. Of course Brandon Roy is going to get hurt again, he’s Brandon Roy. He was the inspiration for Mr. Glass in M. Night Shamalans hit Blockbuster movie Unbreakable. His bones are literally made of balsa wood. What I’m saying is that he’s very injury prone. Without him, who do they have? Greg Oden? I’m pretty sure he’s in a nursing home right now. Uh, some other guy on the team? Fat chance, guy no one has ever heard of.
People I can name on these two teams: 7, if Greg Oden and Clyde Drexler count.
This next one is going to be the real test. The Celtics swept the Knicks 4 – 0. Oh. Well. I’m gonna go out on a limb on this one, so just follow me. The Celtics probably played at a nice, slow, leisurely pace and passed the ball a lot, while the Knicks played absolutely no defense? Ohhhh, how did I know that? I’m a fucking expert, that’s how. You don’t get the title of swayzeghosts Senior NBA Analyst without knowing a thing or two about the ole round ball.
Picture shamelessly stolen from The Onion.
Prediction: The Celtics sit around and continue to have won this series, Shaq consumes an entire side of beef over the course of a few hours.
People I can name on these two teams: 12. Yeah, that’s right.
The Heat are beating the 76ers 3 games to 1. I have nothing to say about this series other than I’m sure the one game that the 76ers won was due mainly to their superior guard play, namely a one Evan Turner, product of The Ohio State University. Also, I’m guessing Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade played really well in the games they won, and they’re probably the only people on their team that did.
Prediction: 76ers win 4 – 3. Carried on the shoulders of future MVP Evan Turner the 76ers pull a courageous comeback against what Sports Illustrated called “The Biggest Group of Chotch-Bags That There Ever Was”, The 2011 Miami Heat. Chris Bosh and Dwyane play well enough, but they give the last shot to some other dude on their team 3 games in a row and he bricks the shot. Every. Time.
I feel like I'm forgetting someone.
People I can name on these two teams: Bosh, Dwyane, Mario Chalmers, Mike Bibby, Juwan Howard, Mike Miller, Zydrunas Ilgaulskas. Yep. That’s all from that team. Evan Turner, Jrue Holiday, and Andre Iguodala.
Again, I fully admit to sort of cheating on this Thunder / Nuggets series in that I know about Westbrook’s performance last night thanks to twitter which was, well, all atwitter after the game. The Thunder are currently up 3 games to 1. I’m gonna chalk that Nuggets victory up to the fact that Westbrook literally punched Durant in the jaw every time he crossed half court with the ball, stole it, and put up a shot, paired with the fact that the combinations of Birdman, J.R. Smith, K-Mart, and Ty Lawson’s tattoos formed into one, sentient being with the basketball skills of a Teen Wolf.
This Actually Happened.
Prediction: Thunder win 4 – 1. Sadly for Nuggets fans, the full moon has came and went so another Teen Wolf performance just isn’t in the cards, sorry. Also the non-existent defense they play just isn’t going to be enough to stop Russel Westbrook and Kevin Durant, even if they are trading punches as they jog up and down the court.
People I can name on these two teams: However many I just did. I completely tapped out my Thunder / Nuggets rolodex.
Finally, we’ve got the closest race so far in the tied up series of the Lakers and Hornets who are all knotted up at 2 games a piece. I think these Hornets have had success for a couple of reasons. 1 – The combination of Chris Paul’s sneaky speed and ability to lob it up to Emeka Okafor (assuming he still plays for them) for the alley oop 40 to 50 times a game, and 2 – the fact that Kobe Bryant has probably been viciously beaten to death by a gay pride group for calling a referee a gay slur that I dare not utter for fear that Liberace’s ghost will strike me down. Like I said, I haven’t been keeping up with basketball, but when you do something like that, Kobe, it doesn’t really help you fly under the radar, y’know. They actually cut in during Death Wish on AMC for that piece of breaking news.
Prediction: Hornets win 4 – 2. As we know, Pau Gasol no longer plays for the team after David Stern reversed that sham of a trade in ’08, and now Kobe is more than likely dead. Sorry Lakers, you don’t stand a chance unless Derek Fisher pulls one of those .4 second, turnaround, fade away threes again but I’m pretty sure his deal with the devil only covered one of those. Also, Chris Paul is really good.
People I can name on these two teams: Inconclusive, I don’t remember who all I’ve fake traded/killed off.
Phew, there it is. A rock solid, 100%, completely factual re-cap of what’s happened so far in the First Round of the 2011 NBA Playoffs. Don’t bother checking my facts, because like I said, they’re all completely true.
Mike Leake has been accused of stealing a lot of things over the years; young girls hearts, the souls of his strike out victims, my girlfriend, and even the occasional base. But this time he was officially booked by the 5-0. You live a fast and dangerous life like that and you’re eventually gonna get caught. Let this be a lesson, kids, you do the crime, you do the time. Unless you’re a celebrity or have a lot of money. Or if you can cover your tracks and run from the cops. Actually, there are plenty of ways to commit crimes and get away with it, but let’s not get into that.
"They wont let me out."
The real crime here is that he was caught stealing $59.88 worth of stuff from a Macys. Uh, what? How is that even possible? Did he steal a package of socks and a couple wife beaters? Maybe a pair of Adidas with 4 stripes on them? Maybe he just straight up took it out of the register, Wet Bandits style. Who knows.
Surveillance footage of Mike Leake at the scene of the crime.
It’s just a shame that he got caught only days after our friend Dirt got released. I’m sure he would have rather shared his cell with Leake instead of whatever Cincinnati Bengal he was undoubtedly paired up with.
via Cincinnati.com.
UPDATE: Mike Leake is about to talk about robbing Macys blind on Reds live at 6:30. We’re taking bets on what he blames it on. My money is that Rolen was just randomly shoving stuff down his shirt a la the grocery store scene in Animal House.
It’s not that I don’t love you all.
I would have posted.
Apparently there are rules and laws against just doing whatever the hell you want.
I’ve been locked up. Straight Akon style. It’s been some bullshit. I’ll tell you all about it when I have more time.
Coming soon- The Life and Times of being a famous Blogger while fighting the system: The Dirt Linwood Story,
I know our fan-base here at swayzesghost spreads far and wide so I’m asking you guys a little favor. I need to get in touch with Dusty Baker and I need to do it quick, so if one of you could send this his way I would really appreciate it. It’s not too often you get the opportunity to completely revolutionize the game of baseball, but one such time is upon us my friends. Not since Tony LaRussa introduced the idea of a closing pitcher or Jose Canseco introduced the idea of Human Growth Hormone has something this momentous happened to Major League Baseball and I’m glad to share it with you, Dusty. I hope it’s OK if I call you Dusty, I feel like you owe me that much after what you’ve put me through, you son of a bitch. Sorry. Let’s not get into that right now.
Let’s take a look at our supposed Ace, Edinson Volquez. So far this season in his three outings he has given up 11 total runs, 9 of which have came in the first inning. To break that down a bit more, 8 of those runs have been given up within his first 30 pitches of each game. The opposing teams batting average through those first 30 pitches is a staggering .583 while it’s a paltry .130 through pitches 31-60 of the same games. Okay, so he takes a little time to warm up, so what? You just gotta deal with it, right? Wrong. Just think back to the 80s, people just thought “well, the guy gets a little gassed in the 9th, you hafta expect that, he has thrown nearly 150 pitches already tonight, but hey, what can you do?” This is how baseball worked up until 1987, you just had to deal with your starter getting worn down or some scrub long reliever coming in and pitching 3 innings. Then one magical night Tony LaRussa, blind drunk off of peppermint schnapps, threw Dennis Eckersley in to pitch the 9th as a joke. And he did. And it was great.
“Check this, I'm gonna send Eck in for an inning. Hahah, seriously. One inning. What a joke. If that doesn't work, the dog goes in.”
What I’m suggesting here is next time Volquez gets the mound, Dusty plays the same kind of joke on the entire baseball viewing world like LaRussa did back then, and put in Aroldis Chapman to pitch the first inning. Here me out here folks, don’t go grabbing the pitchforks just yet. We’ve all seen Chapman throw one inning lights out then come back and struggle for the next, so we just play to his strong suit here too. But we don’t just have Volquez sitting on the bench watching, oh no, because that clearly hasn’t worked. I’m sure he is warming up before games now but it just ain’t cuttin’ it. Unless he just isn’t warming up before games, in which case I gotta put this one all on you, skip. Gotta get your boys limber, Dusty. Anyway, while Chapman is out there chewing up the first inning or 30 pitches, whichever comes first, you’ve got to have Volquez not only warming up in the bullpen, but facing live batters. And not just any live batters, we need some power houses to hit him around a little. We’ve seen him give up back-to-back home runs to the first two hitters of the game, then come back and shut ’em down, so maybe that’s what he needs. “Surly Scrap, you aren’t suggesting we bench Joey Votto for the first inning just so he can take BP against Volquez are you?” That’s exactly what I’m saying. Volquez throws 30 or so pitches to Votto who I’m assuming knocks 20-25 of them into the stands or onto the playing field, which has got to be a major distraction to opponents, while Chapman strikes out the side. Now we’ve got Volquez ready to throw some shut-down baseball,Votto is loose as a goose and 95% guaranteed to hit a homerun, and Chapman increases his strikeout count by 3. There are literally no downsides to this and I frankly will not listen to anyone who tells me there is, so cram it.
Alright, I’ve got to stop talking about this because I think I’ve almost convinced myself it’s a good idea now and that makes me feel really, really stupid. Plus, Dusty doesn’t need any more bad ideas so let’s just pretend this didn’t happen, OK?
"Hell, let's give it a shot."
Since the Reds are on the west coast and don’t start until 10, I’ll share with you all a little trick to make watching other games more entertaining. Drinking. Who would have thought?! I sat down to watch the Phillies play the Braves the other night before the Reds came on and I thought I was going to shoot the TV, Elvis style. It’s like yeah, Cliff Lee, we get it, you aren’t pitching well tonight, let’s just wrap this thing up. But nooo, he’s got to drag it out for two more hours while literally nothing of interest happens. Wait, I take that back. I think I saw some drunk dude fall down a few rows up behind third base, so that was cool. So rather than assassinate my brand new $20 TV I made up a little drinking game to numb myself into a state of oblivion, and I assume you want to hear about it because you’re a raging alcoholic just like me. First of all, this game is meant to play with beer, ideally Busch copper tops, but you can substitute any beer really or even Four Loko if you consider yourself a more experienced player. Think of it as playing from the tips. The game basically breaks down like this, you split up into teams and drink every time the other team does one of the following.
Walk – One (1) drink
Single – One (1) drink
Double – Two (2) drinks
Triple – Finish (Finish) your drink
Ground Rule Double – ½ beer
Home Run – ½ a beer
Grand Slam – Full beer
Hit for the cycle – Four (4) beers
Inside the parker – Drink until you spew
Turn a triple play – Three (3) beers
Charges the mound – Grab one (1) beer and smash it over someones head. Preferably if they’re on the other team.
Prepare to enjoy baseball like you’ve never enjoyed it before, unless you don’t like drinking in which case I just don’t know what to tell you pal.
Welcome to the new-and-improved Meaty Man Diet by Dr. Tuesday J. McGavin. This is a collection of resources that will help you create the meatiest, manliest, most delicious meals you’ve ever had.
Start by going to the grocery. Not enough room in the trunk? The meat suit is the most efficient transport method known to man..
I created this diet two years ago after a very bad time in my life. I was living homeless and alone on the streets, drifting from town to town, doing anything and everything for a few bucks to buy some beer and a meal. I couldn’t afford to buy the nutritious protien my body needed, so I was forced to survive on vegetables and other nuts and fruits I could scavenge in the wilderness of people’s backyards and gardens.
I felt like a real sissy man. Then one day by the grace of god, my now two best friends Scrap Iron and Dirt Linwood saved me from my wicked ways, and I vowed to never let it happen again, and to educate the world on what it takes to be a real man. Meat.
Seriously this diet will change your life for the better. There’s nothing an attractive high school girl loves more than a older man that knows how to cook and smells like steak all the time. Plus I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but eating meat really makes you feel like a man. Your testosterone levels and your overall mood will skyrocket within days.
PROVEN FACTS: MAKES YOUR KNEES MORE ATTRACTIVE AND GIVES YOU THE URGE TO WEAR A WATCH
There are four food groups of the Meaty Man Diet.
Now that you’ve got the terms down, we need to talk a bit about the rules.
Ingredient Allocations
For every A-list ingredient, with the exception of cheese, you’re allowed two B-list ingredients. This makes sure that you have plenty of meat with every meal and not a bunch of bullshit fillers to get in the way, but still leaves you room to make shit like pizzas and sandwiches. The C-list, a.k.a. shit you don’t really need, can be used but there is a special rule. This is known as:
Meaty Man Law Number One: The Cheese Factor
OH MAN I JUST LOVE FUNNY CAT PICTURES!
The official rule is stated as follows: For every Cheese selection present in the A-list, you may include one item from the C-list.
You may include any amount of any variety of cheeses, but adding a cheese does not increase the amount of B-list ingredients you may include.
As an example, Pepperoni Pizza is a meaty man food. Pepperonis and Mozzarella cheese will be your A-list ingredients, leaving plenty of room to include a crust and some sauce. If you’re the kind of prick that likes mushrooms or something else on your pizza you’ll have to add some parmesan or cheddar cheese to that mess. Throw some sausage on that bad boy and you’ve unlocked room for some garlic bread, pal.
Meaty Man Law Number Two: Plate Real Estate
In addition to following the ingredient restrictions, A-list Items must make up at LEAST fifty percent of every meal. We’re talking at least two layers of pepperoni on that pizza I was just talking about. I know I left you with a lot more options as far as different types of food you can eat, but seriously this is called the MEATY MAN DIET. If you’re making chili that spoon had better be able to stand straight up out of the bowl you jack wagon.
That’s all you need to get started with your new diet. I hope you’re prepared to be so much more awesome than you are right now. Combined with some of my fitness plans in a previous post you’ll be almost as badass as me in no time.
I’ll keep you updated with recipes from time to time to keep you inspired, but I’d really like to see some pictures or recipes of your own. Send them to me on facebook along with any attractive pictures of your girlfriends.
CLICK HERE TO BE MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK PLEASE?
Later,
2’sday.
swayzesghost 