STOP THE PRESSES

Anything being printed as news today that is NOT the following news does NOT COUNT AS FUCKING NEWS.

And no I’m not going to talk about why I haven’t posted in so long because I’m a man and it’s my own damned business. Oh you went to jail? Probably for excessive gossiping. BUT ANYWAY..

Native Columbusman, Rap Artist, Pro Wrestler, Slim Jim Devourer and Meaty Man Diet advocate Randy the Macho Man Savage has just perished. His wikipedia page also says he was an actor, what the fuck are they talking about?

OH JESUS I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE. Also I should probably go buy some chains, badass!

First of all, you all know what this means right? The Rapture is true, and God has just taken his first angel. So to make sure I get in, I’d better spend some time talking about how awesome somebody is besides myself.

Apparently his heart attacked him while he was driving and forced him to attempt a flying clothesline over incoming traffic into a tree. Even though it wasn’t successful I can’t think of a better man to try it.

This is what it would have looked like if the dude on the right was his car, and the dude on the left was a large tree.

This man was a man in the truest sense of the word. I’ve looked up to him since I was a child and have tried to live my life how he might. This mostly involves doing what ever the fuck you like doing and not giving a single shit what anybody thinks about it.

NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS

Well right off the bat nearly everything this man did was notable. His first career was that of a minor league baseball outfielder, he played for several teams, the last of which were the Tampa Tampons, er, Tampa Tarpons.

He started wrestling with the WWF in 1985 and it was all uphill from there. His first shot a title was by facing Tito Santana to be known as Intercontinental Champion but in a supreme act of bullshittery he won the match, but was denied the title because he ONLY WON BY A COUNTOUT THE THING INVENTED FOR WINNING IN WRESTLING. Basically after that he did all kinds of badass wrestling stuff that you probably all know.

However, not even his wrestling career outshines the glory of his rap career.

His life will live on in his music.

 I know most of you only get your news from Swayzes  Ghost so I don’t want to spend too much time before I send this out on the interwaves, but Randy, if you’re out there, please know that you will be sorely missed. Also, in honor of you and all that you’ve done, I’ve decided to add another M to my diet. From now on it will be referred to as the Tuesday McGavin Meaty Macho Man Diet.

Wrestle in peace Randy, wrestle in peace.

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