When we left off last week, the only good character in the movie was just murdered and the police think that Cindy’s house was blown up by some sort of taffy or caramel or something. At least I think that’s what’s going on, I don’t really get this movie. I know you’ve all have been waiting all week so let’s just get right to it.
Apparently the police are really concerned with Cindy’s well being because she’s smack dab in the middle of a 5 car police escort speeding through the city. Never mind, they all go right back to the station and leave Cindy and Billy in a hotel with two piss-poor excuses for cops. I think the cops are trying to cover up this big “Forgot to have Cindy sign her statement” fiasco. Something like that can haunt a police department. I gotta say, the police and I are on the same page on this one, snuff that bitch out.
All the guy did was google her name.
Here we go. Three black SUVs are cutting through the city pulling some choreographed moves like the Shriner’s on a 4th of July parade so I’m thinking this has got to be the work of the Russians. Yep. And they’ve got a whole computer rigged up in the back, obviously, because this is 1995 and things like that were totally common place. Whatever, I can get past that. I’ll bite. But he just types her name in and shit just starts popping up. Drivers license, credit card statements, news articles, phone bills. He can probably tell you what size pantyhose she wears. Scratch that, he can definitely tell you what size pantyhose she wears. He said so. Looks like Cindy needs LifeLock. I don’t know why they didn’t just do this from the boat, they have no idea where Cindy is right now. They’re just driving through the city looking at her phone bills in the back of a van.
Back at the ole Anchor Hotel, the two cops that are watching Cindy are fighting over who is gonna spring for the pizza pie because they’re both broke and one of them sprang for the pizza pie last time. I say “spring for the pizza pie” because they say that exact phrase probably 5 times in 15 seconds. Thankfully, Cindy cuts off their spring and pizza pie talk and says that fine, she’ll pay for it. Kinda wanted to see how quick the cops would get into a fist fight over pizza pie. The over / under was a minute and a half and the smart money was on the under, it was really heating up. As it turns out Cindy has an account at some pizza place right around the corner, because Cindy Crawford is definitely the type of woman who would have a running tab at a pizza place. She has to use her credit card for some reason which, to me, kind of defeats the whole purpose of using her account. Of course this pops up on the Russians computer along with the address to the hotel so sayonora Cindy, it was not very nice knowing you.
So the Russians intercept the pizza man who just doesn’t have time for this shit and says “Hey, get outta the way, my pizzas are getting cold.” “Yeah, and so are you.” BLAM. Classic Russian move right there, taking the last thing someone said and twisting it around before you shoot them. While the Russians are busy thinking of clever lines to say to people as they shoot them, Billy and Cindy take a shower back at the hotel. Not together though, dangit. Boy, I sure hope these two lovebirds end up together! They’re up there rub-a-dub-dubbing as the Russian chick shows up with the 4 pizzas they ordered. 4 of them. For the 4 people that are there. I’m starting to think Cindy is bulimic, she spends all morning and afternoon getting faxes and telephone calls and gets home, lets her hair down, orders a couple pizzas, then chows down and throws it up. Talk about a stress reliever. Anyway, one of the cops who was concerned about springing for the pizza pie answers the door, ready to eat some pizza pie. He lets her know that he isn’t real happy how long it took to for him to get the pizza pie. “If you were Dominos, I’d get a discount.” “If I were Dominos, you’d still be alive.” BLAM. All that time they spent brainstorming little post-shooting quips is really paying off, they’ve really made it into an artform.
Just like in Predator.
The pizza delivery lady leads two other Russians into the hotel. Instead of just hunting down the two other people (and Cindy), they rely on their comrade outside with a pair of thermal goggles to tell them where everyone is. He sees a guy draining his lizard and they kill him real quick like, but not until after he flushes the toilet and turns Bills shower cold. But now how are they going to see him through the goggles? Good question, they can’t. It’s just like in Predator when Arnold covers himself in mud and the Predator can’t see him, except that’s a cool scene in a cool movie and this is a dumb scene in a dumb movie. Billy eventually ends up killing pretty much everyone because they’d rather use thermal vision instead of their own two eyes. After he kills about the 5th person, Cindy finally wakes up. Oh, I forgot to mention, she turned on the shower and went straight to lay on her bed. I guess she likes her room to be nice and humid when she knocks herself unconscious and goes to sleep. Some dude rolls through with an automatic shotty and blows like 6 holes in the wall and somehow makes it rain inside. Not in a cool Lil Wayne way, it actually is raining in the hallway. Bill takes a single shot and kills him dead. He picks up one of the shells and it says 33 on it. I’m guessing this is going to be important because they show a solid 10 seconds of Billy just scanning it over. It’s enthralling.
This IS my inside voice!
Billy just said what we all were thinking, that the cops are in on it and set him up. What? That’s your number one lead here, Billy? You actually think they want to kill you now because you forgot to get that form signed? Uh, alright. So he calls up the police station and has a 9 or 10 minute yelling match with Shooter McGavin over I don’t know what really, I think it was maybe over who can yell the loudest. Shooter wins easily when he yells “you’re fucking fired” at a pitch only dogs can hear. A second later he brings it down to a nice 80 decibels so all the humans in the room can here. Again, no idea why hes fired, maybe for going above and beyond the call of duty? Or maybe its because he didn’t have Cindy sign that form. Man, that’s really coming back to bite him in the ass. Ok, so two FBI guys show up with Billy’s friend to go meet him. I can already guarantee you these guys are working with the Russians. I’m willing to be my life on it.
Clearly obvious Russian FBI Guy lights up a cigar in the car and Billy asks him to put it out after Cindy coughs. Aww, they love each other! They haven’t actually spoken or been around each other for more than 5 minutes, but they’re in love, god damnit. Cupid works in mysterious ways, as the ole saying that I just made up goes. In the other car, other obvious Russian FBI Guy tells Billy’s friend to “buckle up for safety” to which he immediately replies “right!” and snaps his belt, then they both smile at each other. I feel like I’m watching a driver safety video in Drivers Ed, or maybe a thing on Sesame Street. Is this the kind of thing they do on that show?
"Ha ha. Got your toupee!"
So he asks Billy’s friend to hold the wheel, which he does without hesitation because that’s a perfectly normal thing for a guy to ask you while you’re driving through a parking garage. He shoots him in the dick, the neck, then takes his toupee off and throws it at him. Let me rephrase that, he takes Billy’s friends toupee off and throws it at him, not his own. Now all I can think about is how cool it would be to see a guy take his own wig off and throw it at someone.
"No need to worry folks. Have I mentioned I'm not Russian? Because I'm totally not."
Obvious Russian FBI Man smiles back at Billy and Cindy in a completely natural way and doesn’t make anyone think twice about their safety. Actually, he looks like a complete maniac and makes Billy shoot him in the head. Hey man, that’s what you get for smiling like a weirdo! Oh, and the bullet flies right through his mush brain and hits a car that explodes because it must have been full of TNT. God Bless America. The explosion set off the sprinklers so everyone’s wet again. For everyone keeping score at home, that brings us to a total of 37 out of 40 minutes where they’ve been wet. They run inside some building and Cindy clocks some woman in the face who is yelling at her daughter. Hell yes. That’s something I can get behind. Punch every yelling mom in the mouth! If Cindy keeps this up, I might just sweeten up on her a little bit.
They check into a hotel with her credit card, so they can look forward to seeing the Russians here again in about 5 minutes. Cindy goes straight to lay down again because that’s literally all she does. Wait a second, I got it! She doesn’t have any energy because she’s bulimic! I was right after all. Bill, being the insensitive prick that he is, is having none of her lazin’ around and tells her to get her ass up. I don’t care much for that yelling, Bill. I hope they still love each other, I can’t take another Ross and Rachael, not again. She apparently doesn’t care for the yelling either, because she stomps off to the bathroom to take another shower because she hasn’t gotten wet in almost 4 minutes. While she does that, there’s a, no lie, 10 minute scene where Billy calls the forensic department and finds out that the bullet he found earlier means that the guys after them are Russians. This somehow leads Billy to know that they’re really good with computers and can probably find out what hotel they’re staying at. So I guess that “Russians are notorious hackers” stereotype is true after all.
None of that matters though because the Russian guy just calls Billy up and basically tells him exactly what he just found out, so thanks for that waste of time, movie. So this dude is trying to talk to Bill into just handing Cindy over. Billy laughs in his stupid face and smashes the phone down. You’re gonna hafta try a little harder than that, you commie bastard. But Billy calls them back 5 seconds later. You might be asking yourself, “why even hang up in the first place?” Good question.
"Fuck yourself a buncha times." - A direct quote.
Oh, are you waiting for me to answer that? I have no idea but boy am I glad it happens. Y’see, he can’t just call them up because he doesn’t have their Van-Phone number, so he just dials up some random number because he knows they’re monitoring the phone. This leads to a classic Vaudevillian, Abbot and Costello type “Who’s on First” act. Now what happens here is he calls a convenience store and starts talking directly to the Russian. I’m sure you can imagine how confusing this is for the store worker! Oh, ho, ho, comedy indeed! Basically Billy says he’s gonna kill the Russian and the worker tells Billy to go fuck himself a whole bunch of times. Like he says “fuck you” over and over, not the phrase “fuck yourself a whole bunch of times”. Master Hacker turns out the lights and locks all the doors in the hotel that Bill and Cindy are at. This guy is just too good. There has got to be a way for him to just like, kill them with a computer, right? Like drop a satellite on their heads or something?
Billy shoots the lock off and they drive away. Oh, hacker guy must have forgot that Billy, a cop, carries a gun with him. That now means that the last 3 scenes straight set something up that the next scene just completely does away with. It’s not really that frustrating or irritating to watch at all. It’s like they keep spending 10 minutes at a time setting up these elaborate traps, then Billy just walks around it. So that’s really fun. Anyway, they stop to get gas and Bill has the idea to put his cell phone in a semi full of pigs. I don’t really remember him using a cellphone or where they got it, or why it just dawned on him that they might be able to track it, but hey, whatever. Good job, Bill, you out smarted the Russians, plus you made ’em step in pig shit! Too bad they figure out that they’ve been had and find Billy and Cindy 5 minutes later. FUUUUCCCKKKKK!
They stop by a computer store so Cindy can look through her client records to see if she has any Russian clients so maybe, just maybe, they can figure out who is after them. Now, you guys can call me crazy, but uh, WHO FUCKING CARES. Like, what do they think they’re going to get out of knowing who is chasing them? So they can go to the cops? Just go ahead and do that, man. Do they think they can just call the Russians up and be like “hey bro, I know your name is Nikoli so you better fuckin’, like, back off man”. All they can do is either keep running or sit around and shoot ’em up so who gives a shit who they are? Great, now my blood pressure is through the roof, I need a drink.
I don't even know why I'm putting this on here, you already know what he looks like.
Thankfully, my second favorite character shows up within the next 10 seconds, so that probably saved my life. It also means he’ll probably be dead in the next scene. Okay. So it’s 1995. Picture your stereotypical computer salesmen. A portly one, not a Revenge of the Nerds one. Okay, you got it? This is him, isn’t it? He is so god damned smooth, too. She asks what he’s doing and he says “nothing, just fiddling with my joystick”. Game over, man. You just lost any shot you had at Cindy, and trust me, man, she was totally DTF when she first walked in. That’s too bad. His glasses literally fog up at one time too. This guy is just a lost cause. Wait a second, I may have spoken a bit too soon. He takes off his glasses like a boss and flashes her the slickest smile I’ve ever seen. You’re back in dude.
Now entering Poundtown, Population: You.
Billy’s radiator blows as they leave the computer place, so they’re stuck out on a peninsula somewhere. The Russians see that they’re sitting ducks so they decide to split up instead of just ambushing them. Duuuhhhh okay. How are these guys such good hackers, but just so fucking stupid overall? I’m starting to think that they might actually be a group of Rainmen. Regardless, they’re still smarter than Billy and Cindy and have managed to catch them with they’re pants down. Not literally, unfortunately, they’re just in a tow truck with Billy’s jeep hooked up to the back. Cindy slides into the drivers seat and starts driving! Aww, she thinks she’s people. The chase scene is actually just awesome so I’ll let that speak for itself.
They slingshot a Jeep into a dude with a bazooka.
This is happening.
As you know, they’re now handcuffed together, and boy does that really miff Cindy off. So much in fact, that the second she gets out of them she just runs. It just so happens there’s a train nearby, so why not run there, right? Takes me back to my transient days. Best times of my life, man, no lie. Anyway, she runs side by side with the train and hops on while Billy gets up to the train and stops and watches it go by. Seems like a weird thing to do. Oh, I get it now, he just wants to look completely bad ass by hopping in his convertible and driving along side the train. And boy, is he cooking. The speedometer reads 80 and he juussttt misses a telephone pole. Phew, that was a close one! And just in the nick of time he finally sacks up and makes the jump just as the car smashes into a telephone poll and explodes because that’s what cars do when they hit stuff going that fast. He was driving 80 to catch up to the train, did I mention that? And I think I mentioned that Cindy was running along side of it earlier. Anyone see anything wrong here? Me either. So naturally she slaps him in his face after he sticks the landing. That’s not exactly the response I’d expect, but whatever. They start shouting back and fourth when it finally happens, what we’ve all been waiting for. They kiss! All that raw emotion has finally built up to this. Except that that never actually happened and no one cares.
How romantic. It's like a fairytale.
So they’re on this train making love in a very romantic way when the Russians show up in a helicopter. It must be one of those run-silent ones because neither one of them hear it as it lands on the train. Looks like they’ve been caught with their pants down again, literally this time. How the Russians found ’em, I guess we’ll just never know. I guess they just flew around in their helicopter looking around for two people with their thermal goggles on. I don’t know how it happened, alright man. Get off my back!
Alright, so Billy Goldberg spears some guy off of the train, which as well all know is going 80 mph, and onto a car. He pretty much shrugs it off, but now Cindy is alone on the train with a bunch of Russian terrorists. Oh no. They take her back to the ship where they’re about 2 minutes away from stealing 900 million dollars. Let me just say it again, they’re on a boat. Billy has no idea where they’re at. So instead of just waiting 5 minutes, taking their 900 MILLION and moving to, I dunno, the moon, they decide they need to go find Billy and kill him. If you can believe it, this backfires on them when Billy kills the two Russian assassins, steals their boat, and makes his way out to the super secret Russian boat lair. In what I believe is a cinematic first, he blows up the lair just as he and Cindy jump off it. Have you ever seen anything like that? Oh, you have? In every action movie ever? Okay then. Finally. Finally, like an angel sent from above the credits descend down upon us. Thank merciful Christ. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drink until my brain doesn’t remember any more.
A cinematic first.