Locked Up

It’s not that I don’t love you all.

I would have posted.

Apparently there are rules and laws against just doing whatever the hell you want.

I’ve been locked up. Straight Akon style. It’s been some bullshit. I’ll tell you all about it when I have more time.

Coming soon- The Life and Times of being a famous Blogger while fighting the system: The Dirt Linwood Story,

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Someone get Dusty Baker on the phone.

I know our fan-base here at swayzesghost spreads far and wide so I’m asking you guys a little favor. I need to get in touch with Dusty Baker and I need to do it quick, so if one of you could send this his way I would really appreciate it. It’s not too often you get the opportunity to completely revolutionize the game of baseball, but one such time is upon us my friends. Not since Tony LaRussa introduced the idea of a closing pitcher or Jose Canseco introduced the idea of Human Growth Hormone has something this momentous happened to Major League Baseball and I’m glad to share it with you, Dusty. I hope it’s OK if I call you Dusty, I feel like you owe me that much after what you’ve put me through, you son of a bitch.  Sorry.  Let’s not get into that right now.

Let’s take a look at our supposed Ace, Edinson Volquez. So far this season in his three outings he has given up 11 total runs, 9 of which have came in the first inning. To break that down a bit more, 8 of those runs have been given up within his first 30 pitches of each game. The opposing teams batting average through those first 30 pitches is a staggering .583 while it’s a paltry .130 through pitches 31-60 of the same games. Okay, so he takes a little time to warm up, so what? You just gotta deal with it, right?   Wrong.  Just think back to the 80s, people just thought “well, the guy gets a little gassed in the 9th, you hafta expect that, he has thrown nearly 150 pitches already tonight, but hey, what can you do?” This is how baseball worked up until 1987, you just had to deal with your starter getting worn down or some scrub long reliever coming in and pitching 3 innings. Then one magical night Tony LaRussa, blind drunk off of peppermint schnapps, threw Dennis Eckersley in to pitch the 9th as a joke.  And he did. And it was great.

“Check this, I'm gonna send Eck in for an inning. Hahah, seriously. One inning. What a joke. If that doesn't work, the dog goes in.”

What I’m suggesting here is next time Volquez gets the mound, Dusty plays the same kind of joke on the entire baseball viewing world like LaRussa did back then, and put in Aroldis Chapman to pitch the first inning. Here me out here folks, don’t go grabbing the pitchforks just yet. We’ve all seen Chapman throw one inning lights out then come back and struggle for the next, so we just play to his strong suit here too. But we don’t just have Volquez sitting on the bench watching, oh no, because that clearly hasn’t worked. I’m sure he is warming up before games now but it just ain’t cuttin’ it. Unless he just isn’t warming up before games, in which case I gotta put this one all on you, skip. Gotta get your boys limber, Dusty. Anyway, while Chapman is out there chewing up the first inning or 30 pitches, whichever comes first, you’ve got to have Volquez not only warming up in the bullpen, but facing live batters. And not just any live batters, we need some power houses to hit him around a little. We’ve seen him give up back-to-back home runs to the first two hitters of the game, then come back and shut ’em down, so maybe that’s what he needs. “Surly Scrap, you aren’t suggesting we bench Joey Votto for the first inning just so he can take BP against Volquez are you?” That’s exactly what I’m saying. Volquez throws 30 or so pitches to Votto who I’m assuming knocks 20-25 of them into the stands or onto the playing field, which has got to be a major distraction to opponents, while Chapman strikes out the side. Now we’ve got Volquez ready to throw some shut-down baseball,Votto is loose as a goose and 95% guaranteed to hit a homerun, and Chapman increases his strikeout count by 3. There are literally no downsides to this and I frankly will not listen to anyone who tells me there is, so cram it.

Alright, I’ve got to stop talking about this because I think I’ve almost convinced myself it’s a good idea now and that makes me feel really, really stupid. Plus, Dusty doesn’t need any more bad ideas so let’s just pretend this didn’t happen, OK?

"Hell, let's give it a shot."

Since the Reds are on the west coast and don’t start until 10, I’ll share with you all a little trick to make watching other games more entertaining. Drinking. Who would have thought?! I sat down to watch the Phillies play the Braves the other night before the Reds came on and I thought I was going to shoot the TV, Elvis style. It’s like yeah, Cliff Lee, we get it, you aren’t pitching well tonight, let’s just wrap this thing up. But nooo, he’s got to drag it out for two more hours while literally nothing of interest happens. Wait, I take that back. I think I saw some drunk dude fall down a few rows up behind third base, so that was cool. So rather than assassinate my brand new $20 TV I made up a little drinking game to numb myself into a state of oblivion, and I assume you want to hear about it because you’re a raging alcoholic just like me. First of all, this game is meant to play with beer, ideally Busch copper tops, but you can substitute any beer really or even Four Loko if you consider yourself a more experienced player. Think of it as playing from the tips. The game basically breaks down like this, you split up into teams and drink every time the other team does one of the following.

Walk – One (1) drink
Single – One (1) drink
Double – Two (2) drinks
Triple – Finish (Finish) your drink
Ground Rule Double – ½ beer
Home Run – ½ a beer
Grand Slam – Full beer
Hit for the cycle – Four (4) beers
Inside the parker – Drink until you spew
Turn a triple play – Three (3) beers
Charges the mound – Grab one (1) beer and smash it over someones head. Preferably if they’re on the other team.

Prepare to enjoy baseball like you’ve never enjoyed it before, unless you don’t like drinking in which case I just don’t know what to tell you pal.

Posted in And This One Belongs To The Reds, Baseball, Breaking News | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

The Tuesday McGavin Meaty Man Diet

Welcome to the new-and-improved Meaty Man Diet by Dr. Tuesday J.  McGavin. This is a collection of resources that will help you create the meatiest, manliest, most delicious meals you’ve ever had.

Start by going to the grocery. Not enough room in the trunk? The meat suit is the most efficient transport method known to man..

I created this diet two years ago after a very bad time in my life. I was living homeless and alone on the streets, drifting from town to town, doing anything and everything for a few bucks to buy some beer and a meal. I couldn’t afford to buy the nutritious protien my body needed, so I was forced to survive on vegetables and other nuts and fruits I could scavenge in the wilderness of people’s backyards and gardens.

I felt like a real sissy man. Then one day by the grace of god, my now two best friends Scrap Iron and Dirt Linwood saved me from my wicked ways, and I vowed to never let it happen again, and to educate the world on what it takes to be a real man. Meat.

Seriously this diet will change your life for the better. There’s nothing an attractive high school girl loves more than a older man that knows how to cook and smells like steak all the time. Plus I’m pretty sure I’ve said this before but eating meat really makes you feel like a man. Your testosterone levels and your overall mood will skyrocket within days.

PROVEN FACTS: MAKES YOUR KNEES MORE ATTRACTIVE AND GIVES YOU THE URGE TO WEAR A WATCH

There are four food groups of the Meaty Man Diet.

  • A-List Ingredients – These include any and all types of manly meats and also all varieties of cheese. This is also known as the “Awesome list”.
  • B-List Ingredients –  Breads, pastas, and other staple ingredients like tomato sauces for pizza or chili, soup broths, gravy and the like are included in the “Base list.” Condiments are also included in the B-list.
  • C-List Ingredients – Also known as the “Cheese list,” this category is basically just vegetables and shit. We’ll get to why it’s called the Cheese list in a moment.
  • S-list Ingredients – There are no limits to the amount of spices and shit you can use.
  • Hey if you put the letters in a different order it can spell SCAB so that’s pretty cool I guess. They are also all grades that you can get in school, did you notice that?

Now that you’ve got the terms down, we need to talk a bit about the rules.

Ingredient Allocations

For every A-list ingredient, with the exception of cheese, you’re allowed two B-list ingredients. This makes sure that you have plenty of meat with every meal and not a bunch of bullshit fillers to get in the way, but still leaves you room to make shit like pizzas and sandwiches. The C-list, a.k.a. shit you don’t really need, can be used but there is a special rule. This is known as:

Meaty Man Law Number One: The Cheese Factor

OH MAN I JUST LOVE FUNNY CAT PICTURES!

The official rule is stated as follows: For every Cheese selection present in the A-list, you may include one item from the C-list.

You may include any amount of any variety of cheeses, but adding a cheese does not increase the amount of B-list ingredients you may include.

As an example, Pepperoni Pizza is a meaty man food. Pepperonis and Mozzarella cheese will be your A-list ingredients, leaving plenty of room to include a crust and some sauce. If you’re the kind of prick that likes mushrooms or something else on your pizza you’ll have to add some parmesan or cheddar cheese to that mess. Throw some sausage on that bad boy and you’ve unlocked room for some garlic bread, pal.

Meaty Man Law Number Two: Plate Real Estate

In addition to following the ingredient restrictions, A-list Items must make up at LEAST fifty percent of every meal. We’re talking at least two layers of pepperoni on that pizza I was just talking about. I know I left you with a lot more options as far as different types of food you can eat, but seriously this is called the MEATY MAN DIET. If you’re making chili that spoon had better be able to stand straight up out of the bowl you jack wagon.

That’s all you need to get started with your new diet. I hope you’re prepared to be so much more awesome than you are right now. Combined with some of my fitness plans in a previous post you’ll be almost as badass as me in no time.

I’ll keep you updated with recipes from time to time to keep you inspired, but I’d really like to see some pictures or recipes of your own. Send them to me on facebook along with any attractive pictures of your girlfriends.

CLICK HERE TO BE MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK PLEASE?

Later,
2’sday.

Posted in Meat, Meaty Man Diet, More Meat | Leave a comment

Breaking News on the future of Tuesday McGavin.

I went to the doctor the other day and it looks like I need to make some lifestyle changes. Basically he told me that I’m not getting enough vitamins and shit out of my all beef and alcohol diet. After I laughed right to his face for about fifteen minutes I really got to thinking. If all I eat is beef then pretty soon I’ll probably turn into some type of human bovine or something, and that’s basically smack dab on the bottom of the cannibal food chain.

Based on these realizations I’ve decided to completely overhaul the Tuesday McGavin Meaty Man diet. I will be posting the entire walkthrough tomorrow in a fresh post so it isn’t cluttered with all this bullshit I’m writing at the moment.

While I’m here though, I just wanted to say a few quick words about the future of my involvement with Swayzes Ghost. It pretty much comes down to this: I’m a really awesome dude, and there’s nothing I like to do more than help other people try to be as awesome as me. I’ve been doing that for a little while now, and having a blast doing so, but I really want to step up my game. In the future I hope I will be able to provide you with a constant stream of badass life advice, healthy meat-filled recipes, and compelling news stories so you will always have something halfway intelligent to say to attractive ladies you meet at the bar.

So basically, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Later.

Posted in Breaking News | Leave a comment

The Thrilling Conclusion of Fair Game.

When we left off last week, the only good character in the movie was just murdered and the police think that Cindy’s house was blown up by some sort of taffy or caramel or something. At least I think that’s what’s going on, I don’t really get this movie. I know you’ve all have been waiting all week so let’s just get right to it.

Apparently the police are really concerned with Cindy’s well being because she’s smack dab in the middle of a 5 car police escort speeding through the city. Never mind, they all go right back to the station and leave Cindy and Billy in a hotel with two piss-poor excuses for cops. I think the cops are trying to cover up this big “Forgot to have Cindy sign her statement” fiasco. Something like that can haunt a police department. I gotta say, the police and I are on the same page on this one, snuff that bitch out.

All the guy did was google her name.

Here we go. Three black SUVs are cutting through the city pulling some choreographed moves like the Shriner’s on a 4th of July parade so I’m thinking this has got to be the work of the Russians. Yep. And they’ve got a whole computer rigged up in the back, obviously, because this is 1995 and things like that were totally common place. Whatever, I can get past that. I’ll bite. But he just types her name in and shit just starts popping up. Drivers license, credit card statements, news articles, phone bills. He can probably tell you what size pantyhose she wears. Scratch that, he can definitely tell you what size pantyhose she wears. He said so. Looks like Cindy needs LifeLock. I don’t know why they didn’t just do this from the boat, they have no idea where Cindy is right now. They’re just driving through the city looking at her phone bills in the back of a van.

Back at the ole Anchor Hotel, the two cops that are watching Cindy are fighting over who is gonna spring for the pizza pie because they’re both broke and one of them sprang for the pizza pie last time. I say “spring for the pizza pie” because they say that exact phrase probably 5 times in 15 seconds. Thankfully, Cindy cuts off their spring and pizza pie talk and says that fine, she’ll pay for it. Kinda wanted to see how quick the cops would get into a fist fight over pizza pie. The over / under was a minute and a half and the smart money was on the under, it was really heating up. As it turns out Cindy has an account at some pizza place right around the corner, because Cindy Crawford is definitely the type of woman who would have a running tab at a pizza place. She has to use her credit card for some reason which, to me, kind of defeats the whole purpose of using her account. Of course this pops up on the Russians computer along with the address to the hotel so sayonora Cindy, it was not very nice knowing you.

So the Russians intercept the pizza man who just doesn’t have time for this shit and says “Hey, get outta the way, my pizzas are getting cold.” “Yeah, and so are you.” BLAM. Classic Russian move right there, taking the last thing someone said and twisting it around before you shoot them. While the Russians are busy thinking of clever lines to say to people as they shoot them, Billy and Cindy take a shower back at the hotel. Not together though, dangit. Boy, I sure hope these two lovebirds end up together! They’re up there rub-a-dub-dubbing as the Russian chick shows up with the 4 pizzas they ordered. 4 of them. For the 4 people that are there. I’m starting to think Cindy is bulimic, she spends all morning and afternoon getting faxes and telephone calls and gets home, lets her hair down, orders a couple pizzas, then chows down and throws it up.  Talk about a stress reliever.  Anyway, one of the cops who was concerned about springing for the pizza pie answers the door, ready to eat some pizza pie. He lets her know that he isn’t real happy how long it took to for him to get the pizza pie. “If you were Dominos, I’d get a discount.” “If I were Dominos, you’d still be alive.” BLAM. All that time they spent brainstorming little post-shooting quips is really paying off, they’ve really made it into an artform.

Just like in Predator.

The pizza delivery lady leads two other Russians into the hotel. Instead of just hunting down the two other people (and Cindy), they rely on their comrade outside with a pair of thermal goggles to tell them where everyone is. He sees a guy draining his lizard and they kill him real quick like, but not until after he flushes the toilet and turns Bills shower cold. But now how are they going to see him through the goggles? Good question, they can’t. It’s just like in Predator when Arnold covers himself in mud and the Predator can’t see him, except that’s a cool scene in a cool movie and this is a dumb scene in a dumb movie. Billy eventually ends up killing pretty much everyone because they’d rather use thermal vision instead of their own two eyes. After he kills about the 5th person, Cindy finally wakes up. Oh, I forgot to mention, she turned on the shower and went straight to lay on her bed. I guess she likes her room to be nice and humid when she knocks herself unconscious and goes to sleep. Some dude rolls through with an automatic shotty and blows like 6 holes in the wall and somehow makes it rain inside. Not in a cool Lil Wayne way, it actually is raining in the hallway. Bill takes a single shot and kills him dead. He picks up one of the shells and it says 33 on it. I’m guessing this is going to be important because they show a solid 10 seconds of Billy just scanning it over. It’s enthralling.

This IS my inside voice!

Billy just said what we all were thinking, that the cops are in on it and set him up. What? That’s your number one lead here, Billy?  You actually think they want to kill you now because you forgot to get that form signed?  Uh, alright. So he calls up the police station and has a 9 or 10 minute yelling match with Shooter McGavin over I don’t know what really, I think it was maybe over who can yell the loudest. Shooter wins easily when he yells “you’re fucking fired” at a pitch only dogs can hear. A second later he brings it down to a nice 80 decibels so all the humans in the room can here. Again, no idea why hes fired, maybe for going above and beyond the call of duty? Or maybe its because he didn’t have Cindy sign that form. Man, that’s really coming back to bite him in the ass. Ok, so two FBI guys show up with Billy’s friend to go meet him. I can already guarantee you these guys are working with the Russians. I’m willing to be my life on it.

Clearly obvious Russian FBI Guy lights up a cigar in the car and Billy asks him to put it out after Cindy coughs. Aww, they love each other! They haven’t actually spoken or been around each other for more than 5 minutes, but they’re in love, god damnit. Cupid works in mysterious ways, as the ole saying that I just made up goes. In the other car, other obvious Russian FBI Guy tells Billy’s friend to “buckle up for safety” to which he immediately replies “right!” and snaps his belt, then they both smile at each other. I feel like I’m watching a driver safety video in Drivers Ed, or maybe a thing on Sesame Street. Is this the kind of thing they do on that show?

"Ha ha. Got your toupee!"

So he asks Billy’s friend to hold the wheel, which he does without hesitation because that’s a perfectly normal thing for a guy to ask you while you’re driving through a parking garage. He shoots him in the dick, the neck, then takes his toupee off and throws it at him. Let me rephrase that, he takes Billy’s friends toupee off and throws it at him, not his own.  Now all I can think about is how cool it would be to see a guy take his own wig off and throw it at someone.

"No need to worry folks. Have I mentioned I'm not Russian? Because I'm totally not."

Obvious Russian FBI Man smiles back at Billy and Cindy in a completely natural way and doesn’t make anyone think twice about their safety. Actually, he looks like a complete maniac and makes Billy shoot him in the head. Hey man, that’s what you get for smiling like a weirdo! Oh, and the bullet flies right through his mush brain and hits a car that explodes because it must have been full of TNT. God Bless America. The explosion set off the sprinklers so everyone’s wet again. For everyone keeping score at home, that brings us to a total of 37 out of 40 minutes where they’ve been wet. They run inside some building and Cindy clocks some woman in the face who is yelling at her daughter. Hell yes. That’s something I can get behind. Punch every yelling mom in the mouth! If Cindy keeps this up, I might just sweeten up on her a little bit.

They check into a hotel with her credit card, so they can look forward to seeing the Russians here again in about 5 minutes. Cindy goes straight to lay down again because that’s literally all she does. Wait a second, I got it! She doesn’t have any energy because she’s bulimic! I was right after all. Bill, being the insensitive prick that he is, is having none of her lazin’ around and tells her to get her ass up. I don’t care much for that yelling, Bill. I hope they still love each other, I can’t take another Ross and Rachael, not again. She apparently doesn’t care for the yelling either, because she stomps off to the bathroom to take another shower because she hasn’t gotten wet in almost 4 minutes. While she does that, there’s a, no lie, 10 minute scene where Billy calls the forensic department and finds out that the bullet he found earlier means that the guys after them are Russians. This somehow leads Billy to know that they’re really good with computers and can probably find out what hotel they’re staying at. So I guess that “Russians are notorious hackers” stereotype is true after all.

None of that matters though because the Russian guy just calls Billy up and basically tells him exactly what he just found out, so thanks for that waste of time, movie. So this dude is trying to talk to Bill into just handing Cindy over. Billy laughs in his stupid face and smashes the phone down. You’re gonna hafta try a little harder than that, you commie bastard. But Billy calls them back 5 seconds later. You might be asking yourself, “why even hang up in the first place?” Good question.

"Fuck yourself a buncha times." - A direct quote.

Oh, are you waiting for me to answer that? I have no idea but boy am I glad it happens. Y’see, he can’t just call them up because he doesn’t have their Van-Phone number, so he just dials up some random number because he knows they’re monitoring the phone. This leads to a classic Vaudevillian, Abbot and Costello type “Who’s on First” act. Now what happens here is he calls a convenience store and starts talking directly to the Russian. I’m sure you can imagine how confusing this is for the store worker! Oh, ho, ho, comedy indeed! Basically Billy says he’s gonna kill the Russian and the worker tells Billy to go fuck himself a whole bunch of times. Like he says “fuck you” over and over, not the phrase “fuck yourself a whole bunch of times”. Master Hacker turns out the lights and locks all the doors in the hotel that Bill and Cindy are at. This guy is just too good. There has got to be a way for him to just like, kill them with a computer, right? Like drop a satellite on their heads or something?

Billy shoots the lock off and they drive away. Oh, hacker guy must have forgot that Billy, a cop, carries a gun with him. That now means that the last 3 scenes straight set something up that the next scene just completely does away with. It’s not really that frustrating or irritating to watch at all. It’s like they keep spending 10 minutes at a time setting up these elaborate traps, then Billy just walks around it. So that’s really fun. Anyway, they stop to get gas and Bill has the idea to put his cell phone in a semi full of pigs. I don’t really remember him using a cellphone or where they got it, or why it just dawned on him that they might be able to track it, but hey, whatever. Good job, Bill, you out smarted the Russians, plus you made ’em step in pig shit! Too bad they figure out that they’ve been had and find Billy and Cindy 5 minutes later. FUUUUCCCKKKKK!

They stop by a computer store so Cindy can look through her client records to see if she has any Russian clients so maybe, just maybe, they can figure out who is after them. Now, you guys can call me crazy, but uh, WHO FUCKING CARES. Like, what do they think they’re going to get out of knowing who is chasing them? So they can go to the cops? Just go ahead and do that, man. Do they think they can just call the Russians up and be like “hey bro, I know your name is Nikoli so you better fuckin’, like, back off man”. All they can do is either keep running or sit around and shoot ’em up so who gives a shit who they are? Great, now my blood pressure is through the roof, I need a drink.

I don't even know why I'm putting this on here, you already know what he looks like.

Thankfully, my second favorite character shows up within the next 10 seconds, so that probably saved my life. It also means he’ll probably be dead in the next scene. Okay. So it’s 1995. Picture your stereotypical computer salesmen. A portly one, not a Revenge of the Nerds one. Okay, you got it? This is him, isn’t it? He is so god damned smooth, too. She asks what he’s doing and he says “nothing, just fiddling with my joystick”. Game over, man. You just lost any shot you had at Cindy, and trust me, man, she was totally DTF when she first walked in. That’s too bad. His glasses literally fog up at one time too.  This guy is just a lost cause.  Wait a second, I may have spoken a bit too soon. He takes off his glasses like a boss and flashes her the slickest smile I’ve ever seen. You’re back in dude.

Now entering Poundtown, Population: You.

Billy’s radiator blows as they leave the computer place, so they’re stuck out on a peninsula somewhere. The Russians see that they’re sitting ducks so they decide to split up instead of just ambushing them. Duuuhhhh okay. How are these guys such good hackers, but just so fucking stupid overall? I’m starting to think that they might actually be a group of Rainmen.  Regardless, they’re still smarter than Billy and Cindy and have managed to catch them with they’re pants down. Not literally, unfortunately, they’re just in a tow truck with Billy’s jeep hooked up to the back. Cindy slides into the drivers seat and starts driving! Aww, she thinks she’s people. The chase scene is actually just awesome so I’ll let that speak for itself.


They slingshot a Jeep into a dude with a bazooka.

This is happening.

As you know, they’re now handcuffed together, and boy does that really miff Cindy off. So much in fact, that the second she gets out of them she just runs. It just so happens there’s a train nearby, so why not run there, right? Takes me back to my transient days. Best times of my life, man, no lie. Anyway, she runs side by side with the train and hops on while Billy gets up to the train and stops and watches it go by. Seems like a weird thing to do. Oh, I get it now, he just wants to look completely bad ass by hopping in his convertible and driving along side the train. And boy, is he cooking. The speedometer reads 80 and he juussttt misses a telephone pole. Phew, that was a close one! And just in the nick of time he finally sacks up and makes the jump just as the car smashes into a telephone poll and explodes because that’s what cars do when they hit stuff going that fast. He was driving 80 to catch up to the train, did I mention that? And I think I mentioned that Cindy was running along side of it earlier. Anyone see anything wrong here? Me either. So naturally she slaps him in his face after he sticks the landing. That’s not exactly the response I’d expect, but whatever. They start shouting back and fourth when it finally happens, what we’ve all been waiting for. They kiss! All that raw emotion has finally built up to this. Except that that never actually happened and no one cares.

How romantic. It's like a fairytale.

So they’re on this train making love in a very romantic way when the Russians show up in a helicopter. It must be one of those run-silent ones because neither one of them hear it as it lands on the train. Looks like they’ve been caught with their pants down again, literally this time. How the Russians found ’em, I guess we’ll just never know. I guess they just flew around in their helicopter looking around for two people with their thermal goggles on. I don’t know how it happened, alright man. Get off my back!

Alright, so Billy Goldberg spears some guy off of the train, which as well all know is going 80 mph, and onto a car. He pretty much shrugs it off, but now Cindy is alone on the train with a bunch of Russian terrorists. Oh no. They take her back to the ship where they’re about 2 minutes away from stealing 900 million dollars. Let me just say it again, they’re on a boat. Billy has no idea where they’re at. So instead of just waiting 5 minutes, taking their 900 MILLION and moving to, I dunno, the moon, they decide they need to go find Billy and kill him. If you can believe it, this backfires on them when Billy kills the two Russian assassins, steals their boat, and makes his way out to the super secret Russian boat lair. In what I believe is a cinematic first, he blows up the lair just as he and Cindy jump off it. Have you ever seen anything like that? Oh, you have? In every action movie ever? Okay then. Finally. Finally, like an angel sent from above the credits descend down upon us. Thank merciful Christ. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drink until my brain doesn’t remember any more.

A cinematic first.

Posted in Scrap Iron Presents | 1 Comment

Swayzesghost needs you!

Every Sunday, Dirt Linwood is supposed to make a new post. The problem is that he’s a huge dirtbag who rarely sees his responsibilities all the way through. So while he’s sleeping off his hangover, I guess I’ll try and keep this ship floating.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Art. I’ve been here since the beginning but because of office politics and Scrap Iron being a gigantic racist, I’ve never been given my own day of the week to post. Basically whenever one of them leaves their computers logged on after they’ve left is when I get a chance to really shine. My hobbies include, but are not limited to, fishing, hunting, handfishing, juggling, and living the juggalo life style.

I feel that now that we’re better acquainted, I can just come on out and let you know what the angle is. We need you. Swayzesghost needs you and in a bad way. We have a pretty loyal following here and we love you guys, but the truth is, we’re all incredibly greedy. We want more. We want more people to read the shit that we write. After a long meeting the other day it was decided that unless we show a 15% rise in viewers over the next quarter, the site will no longer be able to retain my services.

This job is literally the only thing separating me from being a homelessmen. I live in the office. I eat out of the vending machine and whatever food I can wrangle of Dirts fat hands. I shower in Tuesdays luxury office bathroom while he’s on his lunch break. Shit ain’t great. I can’t lose this.

Can't buy liquor without a job.

I’ve decided we really need to go grassroots with this. Straight Obama-style. I want you to start forcing this shit down people’s throats. If I know one thing about marketing it’s that people love being told what to do. Why make simple life decisions when somebody (you) can just tell others (every idiot who hasn’t been to this site) exactly what to do and where to get their entertainment and news fix from.

I also want you to lie. And I don’t want you to be confused and think I’m talking about just a simple white lie. I want you to lie to these people like it’s going out of style. Tell them Charlie Sheen is a ghost writer. Tell them that it’s Stephen Colbert’s favorite website. Tell them they can find nudie pictures of whatever shit their into. I really don’t give a finger in the middle as to  what you say to get them here, the lie is your canvass; paint a portrait.

Get creative. Go to a public library and log onto every computer they have and make swayzesghost.com their homepages. Everybody will thank you for it later. I’m assuming most of our readers are probably 15 year old high school weirdos, so use your high school computer lab as a launching point. Tell everybody how cool they’ll be if they check this shit out. Tell them Tuesday will buy everybody alcohol, as long as they check this shit out. Word of warning though, Tuesday is a huge creep who will black out and try and hit on all the girls even though you didn’t invite him the party at the watchtower.

When I log onto internetland and check out The Facebook, I should see this shit plastered all over everybody’s walls and statii. We slave over this site. Pour endless amounts of hours crafting our literary masterpieces. Constantly editing and honing our works to perfection. We have thinktanks where we fing the hot, pressing issues of the week in order to keep you up to date with the goings on. The least you could do is pop it up on your profile for a while.

I’m a straight shooter and I will not bullshit you. I need this job. I have lotto tickets to scratch and their certainly not going to buy themselves. Lets go global with this. We could be an internet sensation and this your chance to be in on the ground floor. We don’t need hipster shit where people try to keep it to themselves so they sound elite. I would love the opportunity to sell out. That’s really my endgame, become so popular people say “man, those dudes at swayzesghost really sold out”.

We need you and damnit, I think you need us too. So lets keep this shit poppin’. Tell everybody! Let’s get those numbers up! Let’s start an internet revolution! Let’s do this!

 

-Art

 

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Oh.

UM APRIL FOOLS LOL I WAS JUST KIDDING DON’T WORRY GUYS.

P.S. Hey Scrap please tell me next time when you’re just kidding around.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment