Every Sunday, Dirt Linwood is supposed to make a new post. The problem is that he’s a huge dirtbag who rarely sees his responsibilities all the way through. So while he’s sleeping off his hangover, I guess I’ll try and keep this ship floating.
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Art. I’ve been here since the beginning but because of office politics and Scrap Iron being a gigantic racist, I’ve never been given my own day of the week to post. Basically whenever one of them leaves their computers logged on after they’ve left is when I get a chance to really shine. My hobbies include, but are not limited to, fishing, hunting, handfishing, juggling, and living the juggalo life style.
I feel that now that we’re better acquainted, I can just come on out and let you know what the angle is. We need you. Swayzesghost needs you and in a bad way. We have a pretty loyal following here and we love you guys, but the truth is, we’re all incredibly greedy. We want more. We want more people to read the shit that we write. After a long meeting the other day it was decided that unless we show a 15% rise in viewers over the next quarter, the site will no longer be able to retain my services.
This job is literally the only thing separating me from being a homelessmen. I live in the office. I eat out of the vending machine and whatever food I can wrangle of Dirts fat hands. I shower in Tuesdays luxury office bathroom while he’s on his lunch break. Shit ain’t great. I can’t lose this.
I’ve decided we really need to go grassroots with this. Straight Obama-style. I want you to start forcing this shit down people’s throats. If I know one thing about marketing it’s that people love being told what to do. Why make simple life decisions when somebody (you) can just tell others (every idiot who hasn’t been to this site) exactly what to do and where to get their entertainment and news fix from.
I also want you to lie. And I don’t want you to be confused and think I’m talking about just a simple white lie. I want you to lie to these people like it’s going out of style. Tell them Charlie Sheen is a ghost writer. Tell them that it’s Stephen Colbert’s favorite website. Tell them they can find nudie pictures of whatever shit their into. I really don’t give a finger in the middle as to what you say to get them here, the lie is your canvass; paint a portrait.
Get creative. Go to a public library and log onto every computer they have and make swayzesghost.com their homepages. Everybody will thank you for it later. I’m assuming most of our readers are probably 15 year old high school weirdos, so use your high school computer lab as a launching point. Tell everybody how cool they’ll be if they check this shit out. Tell them Tuesday will buy everybody alcohol, as long as they check this shit out. Word of warning though, Tuesday is a huge creep who will black out and try and hit on all the girls even though you didn’t invite him the party at the watchtower.
When I log onto internetland and check out The Facebook, I should see this shit plastered all over everybody’s walls and statii. We slave over this site. Pour endless amounts of hours crafting our literary masterpieces. Constantly editing and honing our works to perfection. We have thinktanks where we fing the hot, pressing issues of the week in order to keep you up to date with the goings on. The least you could do is pop it up on your profile for a while.
I’m a straight shooter and I will not bullshit you. I need this job. I have lotto tickets to scratch and their certainly not going to buy themselves. Lets go global with this. We could be an internet sensation and this your chance to be in on the ground floor. We don’t need hipster shit where people try to keep it to themselves so they sound elite. I would love the opportunity to sell out. That’s really my endgame, become so popular people say “man, those dudes at swayzesghost really sold out”.
We need you and damnit, I think you need us too. So lets keep this shit poppin’. Tell everybody! Let’s get those numbers up! Let’s start an internet revolution! Let’s do this!