As some of my coworkers have pointed out already, Spring is almost here. Actually to be astronomically correct Spring is already here, but this weather can eat my buttcrack. Also I’m not really sure anybody else has said that “Spring is almost here” because I don’t read this bullshit blog. If I’m on the internet it’s either to write something or to look at funny pictures of cats.
The real reason I’m here though, is to create your one stop spot for shit that you need to buy to make the most out of your Spring shenanigans, and no I’m not talking about cocaine or hookers. Well. Ah nevermind.
FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS THING
First of all, if you watched the video: “Kind of like NASCAR” is the only thing you really need to hear, but I better not see you doing any of that tandem bullshit.
This is pretty much the most badass thing I’ve ever seen. Imagine being at one of those big tailgate bashes like you see in beer commercials. You’ll have every damned high school girl in the place giving you googly eyes.
Making you more attractive isn’t even the only thing that this puppy is good for. Last year I blacked out in the parking lot before a Columbus Clippers game, and apparently I got tased a few times. Good fuckin’ luck catching me when I’m riding around on a god damned Cruisin Cooler.
THIS ISN’T REDUNDANT AT ALL
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I really like beer, and the only thing I like as much as beer is meat. SO IMAGINE HOW MUCH I FREAKED OUT WHEN I SAW THIS THING:
OH. MY. GOD. Yeah that’s right, this portable grill has a freakin’ cooler built right into it, and besides, I’ve never seen a picture sell a product better than that. You’ve got the happiest bro you’ve ever seen, with a sexy babe checkin’ out his hot dogs. They only put the price there because they had to protect her identity after all the crazy shit she was doing after she saw his grill. Also it has wheels. I don’t think any other grill has had wheels before.
PUT THIS IN YOUR BADASS COOLERS
I don’t drink beer out of a can that often since you can’t smash them over people’s heads, but when I do drink canned beer, I make sure it’s made EXACTLY for the reason I’m drinking it.
I like my beer like I like my ladies, Blonde and.. well I’m not too picky really after that. That’s why this is my favorite. I really don’t care what shit tastes like as long as it has a cool name. Plus, When you show up to a tailgate with a TAILGATE BEER people really know you mean business, and there’s nothing worse than a dude not knowing that you mean business.
I only drink this beer at exactly Beer 30 every day. LOL BEER 30 IS ALL THE TIME I’M JUST KIDDING. There are so many reasons why this is one of the best beers in the world to buy. First of all, it’s got Beer right in the name. It’s got 30 in the name which is also the amount of cans inside. Coincidence? I doubt it. AND It’s Purple, which as we all know is the color of royalty and the finest pills.
I’M NOT DONE JUST YET
After an exhausting romp on your Cruisin’ Cooler it’s probably time to relax a bit, and the only way to relax on a crisp spring day is to pass the fuck out in a hammock. That’s why I bought all my friends with pickup trucks (basically all of them) a set of these bad boys.
Jesus Christ look at these fuckers. Tailgate royalty, purple hammocks and all. I bet they both got about fifteen phone numbers each that day. From dudes wanting to hang out with them next time that is.
Remember that time you had room in your truck bed for all but two of your friends? Well not anymore. I rode around in one of these things last year and let me tell you it was the coolest damned thing I’ve ever done until the guy realized I was back there and drove through the car wash.
That’s pretty much all you need to have a rockin’ time this spring and attract lots of babes, but I do realize that not everybody can be like me, and that there are some of you out there that do more in the spring than drink beer, grill meat, and sleep all day, so this last one’s for you.
You can use it to go screw yourself.