It’s been a long running tradition here on swayzesghost that we spend Sundays in the office watching bad SyFy original movies, because we’re usually too hungover to move or pay attention to a movie that makes us use a single brain cell. This past Sunday the Gods frowned on us and smote us down with dead batteries in our remote. Oh, what cruel fate, God! Too lazy to get up and change the channel manually, we were forced to sit in a dark room staring at the wall until it finally dawned on me. I fired up the ole Netflix Instant and clicked on the first movie that was recommended for me; Fair Game starring Billy Baldwin and Cindy Crawford. Without further ado, I present to you: “Scrap Iron Presents: Fair Game”.
The movie starts off as all of my favorites do, with a hot babe running around in nothing but some shorts hiked up to her belly button and a sports bra. Remember that like 6 month period in the early 90s when Cindy Crawford was the hottest chick around? This came out smack dab in the middle of it. God bless you, Thomas M. Hammel, executive producer of Fair Game. Oh yeah, there’s also a sunset that I’m sure is supposed to be beautiful or whatever, but forget it man. Cindy!
Oh my God, someone just tried to shoot Cindy. Luckily he is an awful shot and only manages to smash up her Sony Walkman. I guess I’m being a bit presumptuous, maybe he was saving her from having to hear another Ace of Base song. Or maybe it’s like The Ring and if she listened to it she’ll die in seven days? This guy might just be the hero of the movie.
Speaking of heroes, we’re now introduced to who I’m assuming is the actual hero, Max Kirkpatrick AKA William Baldwin AKA Billy Baldwin AKA “There’s Another Baldwin?” who’s very angry about being on hold for 20 minutes.
So angry in fact, he asks if it’s a felony to shoot a computer. His good cop friend Mad Timber mulls it over for a second, scanning through the criminal justice textbook that is his brain, and replies “only in California, I think”. All Bill can muster out is a “heh, heh” in the most smug way a human has ever smugly laughed. He might be the bad guy because I already hate him. I guess we’ll just have to see.
Billy finally gets to talk to a real life human on the phone who informs him that he can’t get a loan because he bounced a $27 check 7 years ago. But he PAID THAT CHECK! God those bank people can sure piss me off! And just when he needed a little pick me up, here comes his girlfriend, Rita. She’s sure to be a ray of sunshine. This should cheer him right u- and she’s dumping a bag of his shit all over his desk. Now she thinks it’s time to tell him to get his shit out of her place. Right in the middle of his work place with all his co-workers watching. He doesn’t NEED THIS SHIT, RITA.
Great, now some fucking lunatic (who incidentally holds the world record for most billiard balls placed into the mouth at once) decides this is the time where he’s gonna take Dan Marinos stunt double hostage. You picked the wrong fucking day, Big Mouth Man. He starts blathering on about God knows what but Billy has already had enough. “Why don’t you take the .357, shove it up your ass, and blow your fucking brains out”. Awesome. Big Mouth Man makes the amateur mistake of looking away for a second and Billy makes him pay. POW! Computer to the dick! BAM! Keyboard to to teeth! He kicked a computer monitor into the guys dick, just in case you didn’t get it. I guess that computer is good for something after all. Shit, that “joke” I just made is said like 3 seconds after I thought of it. Time for me to retire. Thinking of a joke that Billy Baldwin ends up saying in Fair Game is not something I’d put on my resume.
My God are when in for a treat now. Captain Shooter McGavin (No relation to Tuesday) comes in raising all sorts of hell because he’s the captain of the police force and that’s what captains do. I don’t really know what he’s so hot about, his whole scene is just him telling Billy that Cindy is waiting in some interview room, but man is he angry. He’s the captain god damnit, and you’re gonna know it. Billy is ready to just take it easy, light a post-saving-the-entire-forces-ass cigar, and take a nice long bubble bath. But nooooo, he’s gotta deal with this primadonna who is making business transactions on a police telephone which I’m pretty sure is a felony. She finally gets off the phone and Billy tries to do his fucking job, but is interrupted by a ringing phone. He answers because, let me reiterate this, they are in a POLICE STATION, only to find out that the call is for Cindy.
Bill takes a deep breath, lights his cigar, and says “serenity now” 5 or 6 times (I assume) and Cindy has the audacity to ask him to put it out. Un-fucking-believeable. He doesn’t even get to ask a full question before she cuts him off again mid-sentence and gets a fucking fax. In case you don’t get the point yet, she’s a very important business woman. She finally drops the bombshell; she’s a lawyer. They’re natural enemies now, like cats and dogs or Michigan and winning. Cindy gets cocky and cracks a dirty cop joke and Bill decides “fuck it” and lights up his cigar. Right on dude, to hell with her.
Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. We get to see Cindy Crawford in her natural habit, pretending to be a lawyer and acting really, really well. The bad guy from Commando (or the dad from Clueless if you’re into that) is waiting on her, and boy is he sleazy. He somehow manages to use the word “thong” and “fortnight” in the same sentence which I didn’t think was possible, and trust me, I’ve tried. OK, so this guy is representing some dude who owes one of her clients money or something, but is hiding a boat that’s worth a bunch of money or some shit. So she wants the boat. And that’s that.
Turns out the boat is some sorta secret KGB lair even though from the shot they show of it outside, its rusty as hell and can barely float. Somehow they know that Cindy knows about the boat so they’ve got to kill her now. Anyone who even has the idea of this boats very existence has to be killed?! They must be up to some shady shit in there. These guys are obviously computer wizards because they’re Russian. Does that make sense? Are Russians notoriously known for their computer hacking skills? Well whatever. They just are, man, get over it. In typical movie computer fashion they type her name into a computer, which pulls up her ID, then pulls up a map of the USA, then her front door step. He also announces every step he’s making as he’s doing it. Because that is completely necessary. I’ve actually been narrating everything I’ve been doing as I type this out, just in case someone is over my shoulder and wondering what’s going on. “End of paragraph, enter, insert picture, enhance, enhance, enhance”. This is in 1995 by the way, pre GoogleEarth (ah, was there even such a time?)
Back at the police station Billys ex-gal pal Rita is outside with a truck load of his stuff. She dumps it in the road, smashing it to pieces. Then she runs over the smashed shit to smash it up some more. And then smashes it up some more with a bat. On top of that, Billy forgot to have Cindy sign her statement. Come on Billy, this is Police 101 stuff, man. All he wants to do, is take his one box of shit that used to be a truckload of shit and go home and sleep it off. But surprise, surprise Ballbuster McGavin shows up and says he needs that shit signed and on his desk by the end of the night. But Shooter, Billy isn’t even on the clock anymore. Oh, I must have confused him with someone who gives a rats ass. His words, not mine.
Cut to the big action scene! Cindy pours milk into a saucer and begs her cat to watch the news with her! Because Cindy Crawford is definitely the type of woman who lives alone with her cat. Uh oh, here comes the big action scene I was hoping for. Some weird dude watches Cindy from across the river because pulling up to her house would just make too much sense. And as chance would have it, Billy comes to her house at the same exact time to have her sign the form and also parks across the river. I don’t know if he’s planning on swimming over or flying it over as a paper airplane or what. Maybe that’s actually a moat. Who knows. Out of nowhere Cindy turns on the TV and gets BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS. Yes! Finally! Roll credits.
Shit. She’s still alive. The bad guy sees this and starts shooting at her. Or maybe he’s shooting at Billy. I can’t tell. He’s just running and shooting, man. Running and shooting. Billy catches this and pulls a totally bitchin’ half gainer/clip unload and doesn’t come within 50 feet of hitting the bad guy. Whoops.
Main bad guy finds out that she’s still alive in their boat headquarters and let’s the assassin know that he is none too pleased. Assassins boss takes this as a personal affront and says, and I quote “Fuck what you think! You tap phones for a living, I tap banks”. Awesome. It sounds more like Rick Ross should be saying it, not Criminal #3 in Fair Game. On the plus side, I do have a new favorite character in the movie. Annnnndddd he’s dead. Great. Thanks for killing off the only good thing you had going for you, Charlie Fletcher, writer of Fair Game. Main Bad Guy asks computer cronie #2 if he can do all the stuff the guy he just killed can do. Seems like he shoulda known that before he killed him, but what do I know, I’m no KGB criminal mastermind. Cut to a police dispatcher who tells us they’re investigating the blast pattern at the scene of the crime and there is a strong smell of marzipan. Marzipan? Those sick fucks.
God, this movie is exhausting. I feel like I’ve gone 10 rounds with Tyson here. A young Tyson, and I’ve only gotten through 20 minutes. I’ve gotta take a break, but I’ll leave you with a preview of what else you can expect from the rest of the movie.
Thermal shots of guys pissing!
Cindy Crawford acting!
Jumping from cars into trains!
So strap in and hold on to your asses.