Well… This is Awkward.

Not only did things not quite go as planned with the MLB but I’m a day late with this here too. This daylight saving time really has me screwed up. Don’t worry swayzesghostians, they’ve agreed to take me back! Provided of course I pay for the repairs to the swayzesghost offices that I caused as I made my grand exit last week. I never woulda thought that you could cause $100,000 worth of damage to a trailer, but that’s what they tell me I did. And who am I to argue? I had been drinking fairly heavily and was pretty well blacked out by the time the cops showed up. Between this and my court fees it sounds like I’ll be in debt for the next 90 years! Hahaha kill me now.

In an effort to get rich quick I’ve been filling out March Madness brackets left and right. And by that, I of course mean I fill out one bracket with the left side of my brain, and another with my right side. It’s an age old process that has withstood the test of time. Did I mention that if you fill out a perfect bracket you can win a million dollars? I didn’t? That seems important so I’ll mention it now. If you fill out a perfect bracket, you win a million dollars. Ok. I know you’re thinking “Why are you telling us this, Scrap? Just to rub it in our faces that you’re about to be a millionaire?” No, you idiot, I’m here to give you a few tips so you don’t look so stupid in your office pool this week. And a little bit to rub it in your face that I’m about to be a millionaire.

Starting in the East, first thing right off the bat, pick Ohio State to win. That should be pretty god damned obvious to you if you’ve ever seen a game of basketball played before. Remember when the 95 Bulls won 72 games that year? Childs play compared to the Buckeyes.

You’re probably wondering to yourself, “I wonder who this years George Mason is going to be?” Look at how smart you are, you just answered your own question. It’s George Mason. It’s right there in the name! If Cinderella State was in the tourney, you’d pick them to be your Cinderella, right? Right.

I feel like I don’t even need to say it but a lot of people are really high on this Princeton team. This ain’t an academic decathlon folks, this is a test of athletic prowess and strength. We’re not splitting the atom here, we’re putting a orange ball through a hoop. Do I need to keep going? Princeton is a buncha smart guys, not athletes is what I’m saying. I don’t even think that Princeton get’s to use their “That’s alright, that’s ok, you’re gonna work for us some day” unless they all plan on being NBA owners and General Managers. Which I guess now that I think about it might not be too far off.

Again, another obvious one that frankly embarrasses me that I even have to type it out for you, but Indiana St. over Syracuse. My sources are telling me that Larry “The Legend” Bird himself is gonna be in the house, so that alone should be more than enough motivation for the Sycamores. There are also some rumors floating around that the boys are growing out their mustaches and wearing their shorts extra tight. Consider this Scrap Irons Stone Cold Lock of the Tourney™.

"Pass me the rock!"

Clemson over West Virginia. After generations of inbreeding and prenatal drinking, West Virginia’s basketball team is basically full of a bunch of Cletus‘ and “Wonderful Whites”. It’s kinda hard to shoot the jay when you’re blind drunk off moonshine, and even harder when you’re so inbred that you barely even resemble a human being anymore.

Naturally, Washington beats Georgia, after all he was considered to be one of our nations most ferocious and athletic Presidents. I’m sure you all know this already but just for the few who don’t, it was actually our first President Mr. George Washington who invented the game of basketball. During the Revolutionary War he would challenge his arch nemesis Abraham Lincoln to a game to see who could make more Red Coats heads into a peach basket. They didn’t bother to keep score because whoever won, America won.

Unfortunately for us, this puts us in quite the predicament. How does one choose Larry Bird or George Washington? It’s like choosing a favorite child or you’re favorite DMX album. They’re all so good. So I did what any sane person would do, I flipped a coin. The quarter landed with Washington’s head facing up, which of course means that Indiana State moves on.

As for the Southwest Region, that’s a bit more straight forward. Never pick UNLV. They’re almost certain to get themselves wrapped up in some sort of point shaving scheme. Can you blame them? Oh, you have morals? Never mind then. Morehead State. Hahahaha. Good one, state of Kentucky.

Things get a little tricky here. I don’t like to make it my business to bet against Saints, so I take St. Pete’s all the way. Before you start, I like to think that Petes cool with me not calling him Peter. It’s just so formal. Too bad for ole Pete that he’s up against Notre Dame in the Sweet Sixteen cause that’s Gods team right there. The Big Cheese. The G Man himself. If I were you I wouldn’t get into a habit of betting against the big man.

We’ll skip the West Region as there is not one single funny or interesting team in the whole thing. I mean just seriously . Talk about a snoozer. You’re not giving me much to work with here NCAA committee. Let’s just ignore that and move to the slightly more interesting Southeast Region. And by Southeast Region I of course mean BYU. While I can’t say I totally agree with their policies on drinking, drug use, premarital sex, staying up late, holding hands, listening to rock music, or watching PG 13 rated movies, I do agree that they have a good basketball player on their team in a one Jimmer Fredette. Also, he’s definitely got God or John Smith or who/whatever those dudes believe in behind him. He can’t lose!

That should give you most of the pieces of the puzzle that is NCAA March Madness. I’ll leave the Final Four up to you guys so we all don’t tie for that million dollars. Also, I’ll leave the Notre Dame/BYU match up to you. I don’t really wanna open that can of worms.

 

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One Response to Well… This is Awkward.

  1. I heard that all the players on the Princeton team are getting princeton haircuts. Oh wait nobody knows what the fuck a princeton actually is anymore.

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