Somebody told me that I should keep calling my blog posts Tuesday on Thursday because it was so witty.
Somebody should mind their own goddamned business.
I don’t come to where you work and tell you not to put celery in the tuna salad, and I fucking hate celery.
Ok that’s enough of that, it’s time to bite into what y’all really came here for: the delicious meat-filled center of my series on how to be like me. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tuesday? I don’t fuckin know. The last person that tried to lick me wasn’t around long enough to find out.
PART 5: MEDITATION
What, did you think I get all this energy from Realtree energy drinks alone? Think again. Meditating is the most important thing I do every day. Why did I save it for part 5, you ask? I’m getting really tired of your questions just let me do this ok?
It’s a known fact that meditating every day makes you healthier, keeps you focused on things like being awesome, keeps you happier and more relaxed, and increases your sperm count. Plus when you tell chicks that you meditate every day they instantly want to make out with you.
To really make meditating worthwhile though, you have to have a good reason to become more relaxed than you currently are. I like to look around the internet for pictures of hipsters being hip. The minute I see a pair of glasses without any lenses in them I need to go meditate before I start throwing things out of my window.
I recommend finding your own style of meditation but I’m just going to roll through what I do real fast. So, like I said I usually meditate first thing in the morning, right around 1 am. I start by smoking a bowl and eating some xanax. Then I try to clear my thoughts of everything except how awesome I am and try to focus on the meditation at hand.
My favorite place to meditate is on my bed, with a blanket around my body. My favorite thing about meditating is how much time I save. I meditate so hard that I literally never sleep.
Now, I can’t tell you what is going on in my head while I’m meditating because I have no idea. I’m so relaxed and my head is so clear that after about 8 hours I pop out of bed completely energized with no memory of actually meditating at all. I’ve been doing this for so long that sometimes my brain naturally tries to meditate throughout the day. Just last week I went 3 days in a row without having a single thought. It’s so refreshing.
All right it looks like so far I’ve shared with you my diet and exercise plan, my meditation habits, and a couple examples of how you can be totally extreme and attractive. Most of the time you can do all of these things by yourself, but occasionally you might need to actually interact to somebody outside of your sweet bachelor pad.
PART 6: SOCIALIZING
Oh shit buddy this is the best part. Being social means that sometimes you get to make out with girls and do other fun things, like making out with more than one girl at once.
Now when you’re out and about trying to be social and shit, you’re probably going to need to say words at somebody, but don’t worry this is the easy part. Having a conversation is the easiest thing in the world, all you have to do is talk non-stop about yourself. Tell them about your badass dog. Tell them what you did today and the day before and last week. Shit tell them what’s in your famous triple-beef chili recipe, it doesn’t matter what you talk about as long as it’s about you. Don’t let them say a single word. This really shows him/her/it that you care about them enough to not make them waste their time by trying to say anything you don’t give a shit about.
Physical interaction is sometimes necessary as well. As a rule of them you should never give anyone a handshake. Handshakes are so cliche that it makes me vomit. High five everybody you see. They will be so impressed by how you like to change up their boring lives that they might actually look upset or annoyed, but they’re really just jealous and angry at themselves for not high fiving you first. Don’t just high-five them at the beginning either. Throw’em one every time you say something badass about yourself so they feel like they’re contributing something worthwhile to the conversation.
Now every once in awhile you’re going to get to talk to a chick. Be careful though, you’re not going to want to talk at any single girls because there’s probably something wrong with them. Otherwise they’d be with a dude, right? The bad thing about talking to girls with dudes is that the dude is probably going to be there, this is completely normal. After all, the only reason she’s there is so that the dude can show her off. Approach the couple and offer a polite high five. Generally you should completely ignore the dude and talk to his girl. Compliment her by telling her how hot she is, but make sure he can hear it so he knows she’s being admired just like he wants. When you’re done admiring, present your business card to the gentleman and ask him to give it to his lady. This will put him at ease once he realizes that you’re keeping him involved. After all, you don’t want to take his girlfriend, you just want to borrow her.
I think that’s basically all you need to know about being socially acceptable. It’s all I know anyway.
Next time I’m going to show you some things that you should buy with money. Probably. I might actually forget that I said this.
2’s day mc G
Be my facebook friend. Please?