Did you guys see that shit my dude posted about the 88 cent Crunchwrap things? I could eat those things all day long. I order mine with extra meat, but no sour cream. Also no lettuce, or tomatoes. Oh and no cheese.
My entire yesterday was basically spent outside taco bell. After about 8 crunchwraps they told me I couldn’t buy any more, so I had to pay homeless bros to go inside and buy them for me. I’ve got like 82 of those suckers chillin’ in my freezer right now.
But now let’s get to the bullcrap you came here for: the next installment of how you can try to be like me (but you can’t actually do it).
PART 3. BEING ATTRACTIVE.
I saw that fucker Scrap Iron posted up something about staying healthy, which is cool cause he’s like 69 years old or something, but living long isn’t the point here. Clearly the only reason to stay healthy is so that high school girls will still find you attractive. That’s where my exercise plan comes in.
If you come into my apartment, the first thing you’ll notice is my obstacle course. I have beer kegs, pizza boxes, piles of pill bottles, laundry and other bullshit, precisely positioned exactly where I dropped them and never picked them up. Just try to get to my kitchen without breaking a sweat.
Once a path gets completely blocked, it’s on to phase 2. Phase 2 consists of launching garbage into my neighbors’ back yard. This should be done between 2 and 4 in the morning to
avoid being seen burn the most calories.
PART 4: EATING BADASS FOOD
It’s important to eat from each of my four main food groups each and every day.
1.) GROUND BEEF
2.) BEEF JERKY
3.) THINGS THAT HOLD BEEF
Literally everything I eat is from one of these categories, sometimes from more than one category at the same time. For example: A steak can be sliced thin and wrapped around chunks of ground beef for a healthy Asian-inspired beef wrap. Throw some jerky on your plate and you’ve made a completely balanced meal.
PARTS 3 AND 4 COMBINED: BONUS ROUND
I nearly forgot. You’ve all heard that YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT bullshit right? Well it’s not actually bullshit it’s totally true. The most attractive thing I’ve noticed about my cooked beef diet is the stunning tan I’ve developed over the last few years. I haven’t seen the sun in over a month, but because everything I eat is brown I look like some sort of goddamned romantic European or something, and let me tell you, chicks in high school completely dig foreign dudes.