March is upon us, my friends, and like any good guest it’s brought us a couple gifts. For one, madness. But more importantly, weather that won’t freeze and shatter your mustache like the bones of someone suffering from osteoporosis. With the warm weather creeping in, that means we’re getting dangerously close to bikini and cut-off jean shorts weather. If you’re anything like me, you’ve become a fat disgusting sack of shit over winter and could use to shed a couple lbs. before its full fledged tanktop season. Well, it just so happens that your good friend Scrap Iron here is a bit of a health and fitness guru and I’m going to let you in on a couple of secrets to whip you into shape. Oh, when I said I became a fat disgusting sack of shit over winter I was lying to make you feel better, obviously. I managed to keep myself at a svelte 115 pounds following these 7 easy steps.
Excercize regularly and keep to a strict diet – just kidding.
Drink a lot – Seriously, drink a ton. Whiskey, vodka, beer, whatever get’s you drunk. You’re gonna want to drink so much that you puke atleast 3 times per week. Puking is one of the best things you can do for your body. Not only does it make you straight up lose a couple pounds each time, it probably burns some calories too. If you have any sort of personality what-so-ever you should have the sudden urge to dance your ass off after 16 or 17 beers. Be my guest! That’s the beauty of this diet, you can dance and do other physical activites as much as you want!
Drink an unhealthy amount – Take whatever you thought was “drinking a lot” and double it. Now triple that and you might be somewhere close to how much you should be drinking. Not only will drinking make you puke out all those extra pounds, it should make you so hungover at least one day a week that even the thought of eating will make you queasy. That’s the real secret here that they don’t want you to hear about. You wanna lose weight? Just don’t eat! It really is that simple, people.
Smoke a whole bunch of cigarettes – We all know that cigarettes are natures apples, in that smoking one a day will keep the doctor away, but what about smoking a whole pack? By my math that’d make you damn near invincible. Also, the more time you spend smoking, the less time you can spend stuffing your fat face, so it’s a win win.
Walk to the beer store once in awhile – I know this is getting dangerously close to excercising, but just trust me on this one. Take the time to stretch your legs once or twice a week, you don’t want your quads atrophying on you, trust me. It might be a good way to shed some excess muscle quick, but it makes walking to the fridge a bitch. You should be too drunk to drive most of the time if you’re following this diet correctly anyway.
Just follow the South Beach Diet – That one sounds good, maybe.
My final tip seems so obvious to me that I feel like I don’t even need to say it, but I will anyway just for the simpletons out there. Okay, so what you do is eat as much as you want, whenever you want, and then right afterwords just cram your finger down your throat. I don’t understand why more people aren’t talking about this. It’s just so easy, and with absolutely no negative reprocussions!
So there you have it, follow this strict regiment I’ve set up and prepare to watch those pounds melt away.
UPDATE: For everyone e-mailing me complaining that they have suffered serious medical issues after following these instructions, please direct all complaints to my lawyer DirtLinwood@gmail.com . Thank you.