Well, it’s finally that time of the year boys and girls and amorphous blobs of no discernible sex. The final votes have been tallied and the winners are in (thank you to everyone who texted their votes in). Much like NCAA football has the Heisman and the De’Cody Fagg awards, NCAA basketball has the Naismith and Jimmer Fredette awards.
Named after the best basketball player in the nation (other than the entire Ohio State roster), Jimmer “Yes, that’s my real name” Fredette, it is our goal, nay, mission, to award the most scholarly and athletic players in the nation with this prestigious honor. Also, they have really dumb names and their parents/ancestors should be embarrassed.
As always, there are 5 1st team finishers, and 5 2nd team finishers for some reason. If you don’t win, well, better luck next year or whenever one of these happens again.
1st Team All Fredette
Steffphon Pettigrew, Senior Foward out of Western Kentucky University. – “Okay, Mr. Pettigrew, is that with an ‘f’ or a ‘ph’?” “Both.”
Bracken Funk, Freshman Forward out of Fresno State University.- It’s not often that you get to name your child after something you heard while watching Die Hard on TNT, but when you can, man, it’s magical.
D.J. Gay, Senior Guard out of San Diego State University. – “Seriously guys, gay means happy! Shut up! Gay means happy! Guys!” – D.J. Gay, every single day of his life.
Baxter Price, Sophomore Guard out of Mississippi State University – I can’t tell if this dudes gonna grow up to be a butler or a kitty cat.
Sammy Yeager, Junior Guard out of Texas Christian University – I once knew a guy who called himself Sammy Yeager, but he spelled it Jaeger, like the bombs. Anyway, he was in a Van Halen cover band called ‘Can’t Drive 55 (Or at all(I got a DUI))’. Long, weird name, but man did they rock.
2nd Team All-Fredette
Xzaivier James, Freshman Guard out of the University of Northern Colorado. – “You know, I’d really like to name my son ‘Xavier’ but I have literally never, ever seen it written out… fuck it.”
Billy Kidd, Freshman Forward out of the University of Delaware. – You know you’ve done your job as a parent when your sons nickname is “The”.
Wquinton Smith, Senior Guard out of Wisconsin University. – Typos are embarassing enough in work e-mails, let alone your kids name. Little random piece of trivia, this is the first time in the history of the English language that the letters “w” and “q” have gone next to each other like that.
Onyekautukwu Abiakam, Senior Foward out of Texas Southern University. – Speaking of typos, heres this.
Jihad Ali, Junior Guard out of Georgia State University. – Yeesh.