It’s been a long and grueling off-season, but we’re finally back. I know you all have heard the details of our complaints with the ownership during our work stoppage, so I won’t bore you with that. As you can see, we were unable to come to a contractual agreement so here we are, under new ownership and management and just ready to put the whole thing behind us.
I’ve completely lost contact with the other members of the site and can’t account for their whereabouts or even confirm that they’re still living, but I can tell you that I’m living. So that’s good. Anyway, while I assume they spent all their time getting fat and drinking Four Lokos, I actually spent most of my offseason getting into shape and training to become a relief pitcher. Most people think that becoming a good set-up guy is all about velocity and how much movement you’ve got on your fastball, but they’re fucking stupid. It’s all about how much hair you can grow on your chin and how little you can grow on your upper lip. I mean, just look at all the greats.
…and beat the shit out of his father-in-law. Now, I’m obviously not suggesting that mustaches cause you to pick fights with relatives, quite the contrary, but I am saying that pitching with one after the 8th inning is a dangerous idea, unless you’re Rollie Fingers.